I'm a class A a-hole

It's part of my charm. Yesterday while watching Oprah a woman named Monica was profiled on an episode called Warrior Moms (after Jenny McCarthy's book). Monica contracted a flesh eating disease and became a quadruple amputee. Her fiancée still married her, when most men would have run for the hills. The woman is a true inspiration. She lives her life to the fullest and things she can not be a good mother if she is miserable. My hat is off to her.

They go in her home so we can see how she lives her life, very inspirational. Then Jenny says, "I hear you even pay the bills." Monica replies, "Yes I do, I write all my checks." Then she proceeds to show us how, she drops the pen, she fumbles the book and tells us that it takes her three hours to do the bills.

I turn to my wife and say, "Why doesn't she just use online checking?" I know I'm an a-hole.

It's hard to write with that hook,
but it can easily just click send

It's not racism so stop saying it is!!!

I know two interracial couples who cry racism at the drop of a hat. "Those people are stairing at us because I'm white and my boyfriend is black, they're racist!" No that's not the case. They're staring because you are an attractive female and your boyfriend is an uglier version of Patrice O'Neal.

Patrice O'Neal:
Very funny? Yes. Beauty pageant winner? Not so much.
Crying racism where there is none just hurts the cause, especially if people are just staring at a case of the uglies.

I'm a monster

or at least a fat pig. I have cookies in my desk (don't tell my wife). I rationalize this by saying "I only bought them because they were on sale." The thing is as a fat kid I always have to take it to the next level of fatness. My coworker comes by and says, "Can I have a cookie?" My reply should have been, "Yes you can." Instead my reply was, "You know what? I'm going to microwave a few cookies and get some milk out the break room." That's how monsters think.

"You ever notice I didn't really eat cookies? I just crumbled them up so those bastard kids couldn't have them"

Think about it; it's always a monster who takes it to the next level. I mean killing a person is pretty horrible, but a true monster is the guy (or gal) who thinks, "You know what, stabbibg this dude just isn't enough. I should cut out his eyeballs and testicles and then play pool with them." What I'm saying folks is I'm a serial killer, the only victim though is my health.

Black and Blind?

Yeah so the big deal with the new Governor in New York is that he is not only black (the first black Gov of New York) but also blind (I think he's like the 4th blind Gov, but I don't know because I'm not blind so I don't really care, and let's be honest neither do you person who can see my blog right now).

Some people call it progress, I call it bullsh!t. First off he was not elected, be basically came in because the other Gov got the boot. Progress? No. It says that New Yorkers would not elect a black governor but would not riot if one happened to get in by default. But enough of that lets get to the nitty gritty or it all.

Spitzer was removed from office for a sex scandal. Let's be clear it was not about the fact he had sex with prostitutes, because America doesn't really care about that. Don't believe me? Then go watch Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen was caught with hookers galore and now he is on a family show. Maybe you should also rent Shrek or Daddy Day Care and listen to Eddie Murphy who was caught with a prostitute who also had a penis. What creeps people out is Spitzer looks like a troll and yet he gets to sleep with hot young girls. America hates the inequality of it all, especially the average Joe who is over weight and bald, but knows he doesn't have the $4500 an hour to get some Spitzer type poonany.

But back to Gov. Patterson. He comes out and tells everyone on TV that he cheated on his wife, many times. The question is, how does he know? His wife could have put on a wig and followed his ass to the bar, and when he though he was picking up a new woman it was really his wife with a crappy British accent and a Tina Turner wig.

I'm your private dancer Gov Patterson, I mean cheerio, pip pip (That a British accent)

Also Gov Patterson told all his business on the local news station NY1. The guy who interviewed him was shocked. He asked the Governor if he smoked marijuana. The Governor replies, "Yes." Then the host asks about cocaine. The Gov then replies, "Yes." The news guy was in such shock he asked the Gov if he heard him right. 'You sure you want to say yes to this sh!t I'm asking you?' To which the Governor replied 'no doubt.'

I thought in the black community we were down with the stop snitching movement, now it seems we are down with stop snitching unless you're going to snitch on yourself before someone else find out. It seems that if you come out and tell on yourself then you get forgiven or even better a free pass. So in line with that I once looked at a homeless lady's boobs. For whatever reason she popped them out and I did look. Perhaps I need rehab.

Yeah so in the 3rd grade I pulled Sally's hair, then in the 5th grade I stole a Now-N-Later from the corner store. Ummm what else can I tell you I did wrong?

Question

Does anyone who wears a wig actually think they're fooling anyone?

The question is do the curtains match the carpet?

$6 million for some babies?

So J.Lo dropped her babies like a mix tape. She had a boy and a girl. The thing is she sold the pictures of the kids for $6 million dollars! I may be a racist but I think this is the first time anyone has paid millions to see some Peurto Rican kids, they're a dime a dozen. They're not rare, if I go to the Bronx I can't walk 3 feet without tripping over one. (I can say racist stuff like that because I'm a minority. Eat your heart out white dudes)

JLo: These babies are keeping me relevant,
because my movies and music sure aren't.
Mark Anthony: And by drinking their blood,
I might not look like I'm dying!

"Some guys have all the luck" or "There is no justice in the world"

So this level 3 sex offender just won $10 million from a scratch off ticket. This dude has been a sex offender since 1974, talk about "staying the course." Just in case you were wondering a "level 3" offender is, it's the most dangerous kind and they are likely to commit another crime. Now this dude has $10 million to do it with.

He's going to be the Batman of sex offenders, all this money, time on his hands, and people to touch! I mean the sex offender is going to have a little boy with him at all times in tight green spandex pants and the kid is going to swing from ropes and slide down poles. It will be just like the real Batman except not in the closet.

Meanwhile I've never molested anyone and can't win anything.

Holy windfall Batman, I'd touch your penis for $10 million

The Grammy's

"Damn it I told you no more embargoes"
Pretty boring stuff, but it showed me that even though she is 68 years old I'd probably still sleep with Tina Turner. Cher however is out of the question, but I would like to know where she got that wig and what it's actually made of, my guess is steal reinforced titanium yak ass.

Little known fact:
Cher and Sonny both died on Jan 5, 1998