If only I can get my wife on the same page

Who knew raising a baby was such hard work? Well it's time for the little one to pay his own way.

I'm getting old

I had a 45 minute argument with a DJ on how Dipset is horrible. And I don't understand how anyone can wear a scarf in 90 degree weather.

You know you're hot.

My friends

I just noticed that everyone of my friends is funny. I don't hang out (or even like) people who can't laugh at the world and themselves. What's that say about me?

How you know my neighborhood changed

In the movie Ghost, Whoopi Goldberg's character is scared of a guy from the Prospect Park neighborhood. She exclaims, "Willie? Prospect Park Willie?" then runs for her life. Now Prospect Park is filled with all rich yuppies and you can't rent a place for less than 2 grand. You want to buy? My old boss sold her place for almost $4 million. I guess if Prospect Park Willie would have held onto his place instead of getting hit by a car, he could have sold it for the $4 million they killed poor Sam for.

Another sign that your neighborhood has changed is the people who live there think they have super powers. Now in my Brooklyn neighborhood of Clinton Hill people (usually white people, but not always) walk out into traffic and then hold their hands up to stop the oncoming cars. It works! They even get pissed off that a car that has a green light would come towards them or that drivers honk their horn at them when they cross. Rewind 5 years and the car would have hit them, and just kept going. The police would have done minimal effort to look for the person. I mean 5 years the victim would have been black, and no one cares about them hence missing white woman syndrome

Realization

It's very hard to follow all the rules of any religion. Except maybe Catholicism where you can break any rule then just confess. It's like dry snitching on yourself then given immunity. But I digress. The key is following any strict set of rules is hard. That's why there are so many religious lawyers.

When people break a religious rule they are quick to scan the bible, Q'aran, Talmud or whatever book they use to find a way to make sure their sin is either forgiven or that the religious book in question is either vague on the rule or there is an exception. Some people even look to put some blame on the big man upstairs. "Yeah I coveted my neighbor's wife, but man that bitch is fine. If God didn't want me looking he wouldn't have made her so tempting."

I say all this to point out that the main people who are following their religion religiously are people who are crazy. That man on the train screaming about how Jesus is good, probably is not cheating on his wife. That woman with the billboard in Times Square telling us to be ready because Jesus is coming back next Tuesday at 5:43 PM probably isn't a thief. The point is this, if you make it to heaven it's going to be filled with crazies. That dude who smells like fish ass and rotten milk but is on the street telling you to repent might be there. Me, not so much.
See you in heaven!

Then there are those who speak in tongues. Now I don't want to crap on anyone's religious views but really? Speaking in tongues? For those of you who don't know, speaking in tongues is when someone becomes so full of the Holy Spirit or gin, that they start shaking and talking in the language of God. It sounds like pure gobbledygook. The theory is God is speaking through them; the problem is no one can understand it but them. Now God is a pretty important guy, more important than Bill Gates or the guy who owns Ikea. So what he has to say is pretty damn important too. I'm sure he doesn't want his message to be misinterpreted. I mean what if a tongue speaker says, "wjogjhgjb juion sdf" and that means 'Be kind to your neighbor' but someone hears "wjoKUIJB juion sdf" which means "Kill your neighbor." Why doesn't God just say it in English, I'm pretty sure He knows English, and I think French too.

When he starts speaking in tongues people die

Realization part 2

"How much time you doing?" is a term used only in comedy and prison.

OK, we need you to do a clean 5 minutes,
then we rape you.

6 Degrees.....

So I live in Brooklyn NY, very close to Spike Lee's production company 40 Acres and a Mule. If you ever go by you can see the huge pictures he has of Savion Glover and Tommy Davidson in full costume from the movie Bamboozled, it's both hilarious and disturbing.

These cut outs in the background are in his window

My ex-girlfriend used to live about 3 blocks from his studio, but more importantly her family owned a brownstone and rented the basement apartment to.....wait for it......Joie Lee, Spike Lee's sister, the one he puts in most of his movies.

Thank got for nepotism,
a girl need to buy some Manolo Blahniks

When the ex's family sold the builing to gentrifiers, Ms. Lee was out of a home. She then moved onto the block I live on and I would see her every week on her little bike with a basket on the handle bars, peddeling up and down Vanderbilt Ave. Well yesterday I got on the C train and was heading home after a basketball game (We played in a gym that was 94 degrees, I was soaked head to toe) and who should shoot me a smile and sit down next to me; none other than Joie herself. This might be a backhanded compliment, but she looks much better in real life and she has mad style.

I kept thinking, 'If only I had kicked it to her back in the day, I too could be in her brother's movies.' Screw talent, I'm trying to sleep my way to the middle.

Realization

I think I am the only heterosexual African American who rocks out to Tori Amos on his iPod.

Josh, are you sure you're not a
19 year white girl from Wisonsin?