Harris Bloom problem solved

Comedian and buddy Harris Bloom thought he looked like Beatlejuice in a picture he posted here. I fixed his problem.

My wife's logic

The following events actually happened. Here is a conversation I had with my wife word for word one morning while we were still in the bed.

Wife: I'm so mad at you

Me: What did I do?

Wife: I had this dream, and you cheated on me.

Me: But I didn't do it, it was a dream.

Wife: Whatever, I'm mad at you.

If only I knew how to go into people's dreams like Dennis Quaid in the movie Dreamspace. My life would be totally different.

Obama, the remix

I'll get it right one day

So due to recent events in my life, I was scared into going back to the gym. I used to go 4 times a week, I also used to do martial arts as well. Then I got old and married, and I stopped going to the gym. It's not that I have the attitude of, "I'm married now so I don't need to impress anyone." It's that I'm married now and the time I would spend in the gym giving myself attention has to be used on giving my wife attention. I say all this to point out I'm back in the gym.

I get up early and go to the gym before work. This requires me to shower at the gym, something I have never done before. I used to work out at night at a gym near my home and just ride my bike home and shower. This is no longer possible.

My first gym shower was on Monday. I heard stories of dudes in the shower with their legs up for no reason and their manly parts hanging down as they talked to other dudes or on their cell phones or brushed their hair. I thought they were stories exaggerated for effect, I was wrong. Today while I was getting ready after my shower, one dude walked by my locker 3 times. He was fully clothed and ready to head out. I really don't care, but I felt like women must feel every day; like a piece of meat. At least the dude walking by could have asked me a question like, "So with Clinton winning by 10 points last night, how do you think the Obama camp will readjust their strategy if an adjustments are needed?" At least then I would know he respected me.

I also seem to forget something in my gym bag every day. Monday I forgot my underwear. Today I forgot my belt. Now forgetting your belt may not seem so bad, but for me it is. I'm the only black dude in my department, one of two in my entire company (the other black dude works in a corner cube so no one ever sees him). I can't have my pants falling down. The reputation of the entire race rests on my shoulders (or at least that’s how it always feels. That's why I over tip even when the service is bad. I have a story about this, but that's another blog).

My wife says I need to befriend the other black guy here. I don't think I do. I mean how can I? Just walk up to him and say, "So... I heard you're black too."

Is it really that serious?

Friday I went to Philly for the Mets vs. Phillies game. I did not want to go; in fact I think baseball is the most boring sport alive. Any sport where the fans get a break is pretty boring.

The thing that struck me was how hard core the fans were. I don't mean wearing jersey's I mean the hate in their blood.

I was waiting in line for a cheese steak when a Met's fan got in line, well actually he cut. His friend, who is a Phillies fan, held his spot for him and he jumped in line. No problem for me. However the Phillies fans had a huge problem with it. "I hope you die f@ggot!" "I hope you choke on that steak, why don't you just have some of your sh!tty New York pizza instead!" Wow. Is it that serious? It's just a game.

I moved my seat during the game so my wife could talk to one of her coworkers. As she chatted away a Spanish player got up to bat for the Mets. Directly behind me, only one row away, a group of 20 years olds started up. "Go back to your won country Mexican!" "Hey illegal go home! You suck!" I turned around and gave the dude the side eye. They shut up. My whole thing is their racism is not even logical. How can you hate a Spanish player on the Mets yet have a bunch of Spanish players on the Phillies you love. It's baseball! If it was not for minorities (mostly Spanish) there would be no sport, or at least it would not be at the level it is today.

In the end the Mets won. I was even taunted by some Phillies fans for being a New Yorker. I honestly believe that you have to have nothing else going on in your life to be that into sports. If the Mets win or loose, I still have to go to work and pay my bills. If Jose Reyes has a great game I don't get a raise.

I'm a monster

or at least a fat pig. I have cookies in my desk (don't tell my wife). I rationalize this by saying "I only bought them because they were on sale." The thing is as a fat kid I always have to take it to the next level of fatness. My coworker comes by and says, "Can I have a cookie?" My reply should have been, "Yes you can." Instead my reply was, "You know what? I'm going to microwave a few cookies and get some milk out the break room." That's how monsters think.

"You ever notice I didn't really eat cookies? I just crumbled them up so those bastard kids couldn't have them"

Think about it; it's always a monster who takes it to the next level. I mean killing a person is pretty horrible, but a true monster is the guy (or gal) who thinks, "You know what, stabbibg this dude just isn't enough. I should cut out his eyeballs and testicles and then play pool with them." What I'm saying folks is I'm a serial killer, the only victim though is my health.

No cell phones while driving in NYC

You're not allowed to talk on your cell in NEw York (or New Jersey) unless you have the blue tooth ear piece that makes you look like an extra from Star Trek.

"Hello? Is this a Klingon? Hello? I can't, what?....
man this Spint service sucks"

They say that talking without a hands free device can interfere with your driving and you could cause an accident. I say they just want something else to ticket you for. Why do I say this? Yesterday I left work early and had to drive to Jersey. While waiting to get into the Holland Tunnel the guy in the SUV in front of me (with PA plates) pulled out his guitar and started playing while he drove! He had the arm of the guitar out the window and his hands where plucking the strings. He drove past three police officers. One just laughed. I said to the final officer that saw him, "No? Not going to stop him? Just let him play and kill us all?" The officer ignored me.