I had a kid

He took up a lot of my time. So I wasn't able to write. Now he's older, so I have more time and a lot more things I'm pissed off about. More to come.

New York's Bravest

Many people outside of New York have a certain reverence for NYC Police and Firemen based on the great job they did during 9-11 and the recovery efforts after. I'm not trying to take away from the work they did then. Well I live in NYC, and I can tell you that the police and firemen are not all good. I've had my run in with the police (A cop threatened to arrest me for handing out fliers until I threatened to call my lawyer) and I see them abuse their power on a daily basis. I saw a cop on his cell phone directing traffic, I routinely see the police in my neighborhood go up a wrong way street because to go around it would mean they would have to run three lights (they never wait for green lights). They double park, block fire hydrants; basically do what they want.

The firemen are at least funny when they abuse the power they have. I love when they park a fire-truck outside the local Pathmark and go shopping for groceries in full fireman uniform (The truck is of course parked in a fire zone and blocks traffic). I offer you this picture of a group of firefighters doing a little bulk shopping at Costco. Hey, maybe there was a fire sale.

WTF Amazon buyers?

So I'm searching for home gym stuff because once the kid comes, I don't think I will be able to do the whole 2 hour gym thing (30 minutes travel time to and from teh house, 20-30 minutes to shower and change, 60 minutes to work out and stretch). So I went to Amazon to find some nice things to work out with that I can store under my bed.

Turns out that the people who love to work out at home also love the movie American Psycho the Uncut Killer Collector's Edition. Click for a better view.

"If I get my guns strong enough I could choke someone to death!"

I'm not buying it

There is a new trend in New York; kids on the street claiming to be homeless and asking for my money. The only problem is I don't buy it. The kid out today begging looked to be around 20, but he had product in his hair! How the eff you are begging for money and you've got a faux-hawk all hair sprayed up? There are no rips in your jeans that you did not put there! There is one kid who begs everynight has a pea-coat! I have never been able to affort a pea-coat! Eff you kid.

Spare some change? We're like totally homeless and shit.

It works both ways

My mom came to visit us this week. She saw a picture of an Indian kid I sponsor and asks my wife, "Is that your cousin?"

Is this what we've come to?

This morning on the train a hippie mom (young white, with a nose ring and living in Brooklyn) got on with her two kids (younger girl about 4 with blond hair blue eyes, and an older boy about 8 who looked like his daddy was Obama-esque), like the kid in the Aruba ads sitting down here but with shorter hair.

The kids were sitting down, while the hippie mom stood up. The little girl was acting like a jerk. She was moving around and climbing up on this big black dude who was sitting there annoyed but didn't say anything. The mother told the girl repeatedly to calm down and stop bothering other people on the train. Finally the mother says, "Ok you've lost your sitting down privileges" and pulls the daughter off the seat. Now the kid goes into full fake crying and yelling mode, her brother just looks at her with a "this chick here" expression.

The girl is yelling so the mom's response is, "Keep it up and you will loose your chance to go into Starbucks later." The girl screams louder. Mom repeats, "I'm not joking, looks like you're missing out on Starbucks." The kid fake cries even more. Finally their stop comes and the mom says, "Ok get ready to go because this stop." The little girl miraculously is healed of all damage and instantly stops crying and they get off.

How do you threaten a 4 year old with Starbucks? Why the eff is a 4 year old even IN a Starbucks? What happened to kids just being scared of their parents because they are kids and their parents are actually parenting?
I was a really really good girl

She sure knows how to give a compliment

Conversation I had with my wife Wednesday morning as we both woke up:

Wife:Did you work out yesterday in the morning and then play basketball at night?
Me: Yeah, why?
Wife: cuz, you look like shit.

Sad part is I felt like it too. I'm getting old.

Maybe she said it because I was wearing this hat

I just didn't and still don't care

Last night as I approach my door, with an armfull of groceries, I see three fire trucks, two emergency police trucks and two ambulances near my house. I also see a bunch of people standing around looking. I couldn't see what was going on because one of the firetrucks blocked my view. I walked up to my door and my new neighbor is coming out. The following exchange tooks place:

Neighbor: Wow, what's going on?
Me: I have no idea.
Neighbor: I heard someone is pinned in a car or something
Me: Well it looks like a car accident to me, there are too many people just standing around for it to be a shooting.
Neighbor: Yeah, I guess. You going over there?
Me: Nah, I don't care, and I'm hungry. I'll read about it in the police blotter or something.
Neighbor: Oh....ok, well have a good night.
Me: You too.

I've lived in my neighborhood for over three years, and before that I used to hang out here; so I've been around these parts for the last 10 years. Just because a bunch of new people are here, doesn't mean I should care. Couple that with the fact that if the same accident happeend just 5 years ago before the new (white) people moved in, the response to a simple accident would not have been so grand.

For all I know this could have been what happened

Alicia Keys please!!!

My mom loves my wife, I know because she tells me often. However my mom can no except my wife. Confusing? Yes, let me explain.

I was raised very religious, very very religious. I used to know every book in the Bible, in order, the authors, where the books where written and their significance to the Bible as a whole.

My wife is not the religion I was raised, so it's caused some tension in our collective households. Which lead to the following conversation between my wife and my mom:

Mom: You know, I love you but I just can't except you, if you know what I mean.
Wife: Not really.
Mom: I mean even if you were Alicia Keys, I couldn't fully except you.
Wife: Alicia Keys?
Mom: You know she is beautiful, but I just couldn't except her either.

My wife then comes to me and says, "I can't believe she compared me to Alicia Keys! I am so much better than her!"
So true. (But Alicia if you're reading this, ummm call me.)

You can't even except me? I'm rich! I play the piano and everything!

PS - I tried to post an Alicia Keys video but youtube put the cabosh on all her vids! So much for the fans.

The Times Are a Changin'

So my father-in-law is a nice guy. He's not a complicated man, and my wife adores him and I can understand why.

He's also said a few racist things about black people in the past, including one time he dropped the N-Bomb in front of me (Which I am not allowed to talk about on stage! It's comedy gold I tell you! Pure 24k gold!). I mean he's lived in Texas for over 30 years, some things have rubbed off on him.

Yesterday, one day after Obama won, my wife got a call. Her father said he is proud his grand kid will be black. I actually teared up.

Monday Nov 3rd

I step into the elevator at work and a brown skinned delivery guy jumps in to. He looks at me and says, "It's our time now." I look back and smile. He then says, "They've had their chance, now it's our time." I said, "You're right." Then the door opens and some white people get in. The delivery guy gets quiet and looks down at the floor. The white people get off, then the guys says in a hushed tone, "Our time" and gets off at the next floor.

He was into change but he didn't want the good white folk to think he was too uppity.

Only in New York City

Today I was in Times Square and bumped into fellow comic Doug Adler. While we chatted away a homeless man in a wheel chair rolled past us, he had a "boom box" in his lap and was begging for change.

When he does not get any change he heads over to the pay phone, then he stands up to make a call.

I weep for the children

Last night I performed at an open mic. A few comics after I finished another guy went up who I had seen perform a few times before and he was never that funny. I could take him or leave him.

Last night he proceded to do a bit about how Michael Richards called some black people the N word. He then says, "..but they were talking during his set, so calling them niggas was accurate. I hate how niggas get mad when you call them niggas, well then stop acting like a nigga."

Then he says he doesn't date black women because they look like monkeys. "Oprah is pretty monkey-ish, right? Whoopi Goldberg is definately a monkey!" The crowd gave some awkward laughs and myself and the only other black guy in the audience who just happened to sit next to me looked at each other not knowing what to do.

The comic on stage was black. Luckily for him I had already went up.

The Catholics (and Jewish moms) are right!

Guilt Works. Yesterday my visibly pregnant wife and I got on the train to go to work. A young women sitting between two fully grown adult men sees her, gets up and taps my wife on the shoulder and asks her to sit down.

I look at the two losers how were sitting next to this lady and say loud enough so everyone can hear me, “Man, it is always a woman. These men are just…” then I make a noise showing my disapproval. The dude looks me in the eye then gets up and offers his seat to the lady who gave my wife hers.

Now to try to guilt my wife into getting me some Xbox games.

Serious Post

I live in Brooklyn NY, and I often fear for my life at the hands of the NYPD. If I am in my car and I see their lights, I think to myself "Where is my paperwork?" I want to be prepared. I've had run ins on the street with NYPD and although most of them are nice and try to do their job, some are real jerks who dislike minorities. I got in an argument with a cop once because, as his partner put it 'he was having a bad day.' The only thing that saved me from getting an ass whipping was I threatened to call my lawyer, then the whole conversation changed and the cop walked off cursing at me. I even know a black female officer who when off duty was pulled over and harassed. She asked for the officer’s badge numbers and they got even more belligerent. Then she pulled out her badge and the officer's replied "Oh sorry, didn't know..." As if their behavior was ok otherwise.

In their latest act of idiocy, the NYPD tasered a mentally unstable man, who then fell to his death. Oh yeah, he just happened to be Spanish and live in Bedstuy Brooklyn.

Click Here for details. So sad, and his mother saw it all happen.

Finally!

After years of denial, my mom finally admitted we grew up poor. Up until this point my mom has denied it; going as far as calling me on the phone and asking me to take out any mention of being poor from my bio.

Last weekend I went home to visit mom (really to take care of some business by mom's house) and she said to my wife, "It was hard when they were young (referring to me and my 2 siblings), we lived like paupers."

YES! Maybe now she will cop to us being on food stamps.

I'll always be over weight

As much as I work out, I still do things like eat a whole container of Laura's Whole Junk Food oatmeal raisin bites in one sitting.

Someone call CSI, the body is still warm.

Céline Dion?

Last night my wife made me go to a Céline Dion concert at MSG. Now Céline Dion can sing, very well at that, but she is not a great performer. She hit her chest and did a lot of the "YES!" fist pull down (like she scored a goal). She also did a few covers of songs by great performers like Tina Turner (it looked sad because although Celine is a better singer, she's no Proud Mary). It was also sad to hear a French Canadian sing Queen's We Are the Campions, because in my mind I knew French Canadians' haven't really won anything - Hockey does not count.

What I did notice is we had GREAT seats. We were 5 rows in front of Barbara Walters, 3 rows in front of Gayle King (Oprah's Gayle, poor woman will always be a sidekick) and 2 rows in front of Celine's husband! You would think he would get better seats. When he sat down people went crazy. I didn't get it, I mean what's he famous for? His balls touched a great singer? Does Ray Jay get the same treatment?

Here's a video of the show I shot from my camera phone.

I eat very fast

I grew up poor, so there wasn't awlays enough food to fill your belly. Couple this with the fact my brother was huge and ate alot. This means that in order for you to get enough food you had to eat fast; something I carry with me to this day.

Case in point: Last night I got off the train at 23rd and 6th. The clock read 7:17. I walked down to 23rd and 8th to Boston Market, I ordered the turkey with mashed potatoes. I then left walked back up the street, bought a pack of gum and then walked to the comedy club on 23rd. The time was 7:30.

Back from Texas, again

I went to Texas for a wedding. As usual, the Bible is strong in Texas. There was a sign (I wish I got a picture of it, but we were driving) that read "Give Jesus a try, if you don't like him, Satan will take you back." I also sat next to a woman at the wedding who informed me I came to Texas during the hurrican season, and that they almost got hit real hard. She then told me that there must have been a lot of believers praying for the hurricane to switch directions because it did, which she acknowledge was great for her but not so much for the people who ended up getting the hurricane. I guess they should have prayed harder, or believed more.

The wedding was also held in a mega church (well maybe mini-mega), the pastor has a Hummer (so wrong for so many reasons, including gas mileage), and the church was so large it needed a map.

"Kids, if we get seperated, I'll meet you at Magic Mountain"