How you know my neighborhood changed

In the movie Ghost, Whoopi Goldberg's character is scared of a guy from the Prospect Park neighborhood. She exclaims, "Willie? Prospect Park Willie?" then runs for her life. Now Prospect Park is filled with all rich yuppies and you can't rent a place for less than 2 grand. You want to buy? My old boss sold her place for almost $4 million. I guess if Prospect Park Willie would have held onto his place instead of getting hit by a car, he could have sold it for the $4 million they killed poor Sam for.

Another sign that your neighborhood has changed is the people who live there think they have super powers. Now in my Brooklyn neighborhood of Clinton Hill people (usually white people, but not always) walk out into traffic and then hold their hands up to stop the oncoming cars. It works! They even get pissed off that a car that has a green light would come towards them or that drivers honk their horn at them when they cross. Rewind 5 years and the car would have hit them, and just kept going. The police would have done minimal effort to look for the person. I mean 5 years the victim would have been black, and no one cares about them hence missing white woman syndrome

40 is the new 30?

That may be true, but people don't believe it. I hate when I talk to someone (usually a female) and they tell me how happy they are with their looks, and that they don't mind getting older. I then take a step back and look at them and notice the fake hair, or the botox, or the SPANKs. If you were really happy with how you look you wouldn't use all that crap.

I work with a guy who gets botox on the regular. He's a decent looking guy and in my opinion doesn't need it. Now before you raise the gay flag on me I can say another dude looks ok, I can even say another dude looks good.

To everyone out there (the dudes anyway) who says you can't tell if another dude is good looking is a liar. Dudes are quick to say something like "Flava Flav is one ugly mother f*cker." The question is if you can tell a guy is ugly then you have the ability to judge another dude, you're just so scared you can't say Denzel is a good looking man. To me that's gay.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Monday Show

So on Monday the comedy show I was booked on had very light crowds. Apparently the NCAA championship is more important than comedy to some people. Idiots.

Anyway, with the light crowd I had to do more crowd work (talking to the people, instead of shooting out my jokes). I met a dude who's name is Roc, that's his middle name. He also named his children Topaz, Stone, and Ivory. I kid you not. He wanted to keep the Flinstone theme.

I just feel bad for Ivory because she is the only one who is not a stone, she's a bone, and one that's illegal.

Roc was a great guy, I liked him so much I bought him a drink and I'm super cheap. His life story could be turned into a book; he was a marine, he has triplets (16 year old girls), he was an underground fighter, he was in "collections" (*wink* *wink* for all the Sopranos fans), and he once took a state sponsored vacation (*wink* *wink* for all the Oz fans). He made me feel like I had accomplished nothing, well nothing except not getting raped in the shower.

Seperated at birth?

These 3 guys look alike, at least my wife's family seems to think so:







It seems I did not marry a woman as much as I married a situation.

Customer Service?

I am so glad that my friend Amy was there to hear this phone call or no one would believe it.

Here's the back story. I few months ago I needed new studio quality headphones for my camera so I ordered them through Amazon. Amazon did not directly fill my order but subcontracted out to one of their approved vendors. After waiting 3 weeks with no contant with the seller, and sending numerous emails with no replies I contacted Amazon and tried to cancel my order because I needed them for a shoot that was coming up. I bought them from another source and tried to get my money back. Two weeks later the headphones come in the mail, I try to return them but it will cost me a restocking fee so I keep them as a back up. I of course leave the seller some feedback. I gave them a 3 out of 5 with the following comment, "Item came very late, sent email they did not respond until over a week later. Item did come as described only very late."

Two weeks after that someone calls me and asks if I would change my feedback for a $5 gift certificate to their store. I told them no since I would not shop there again and they could not buy my intergrity for $5. Fastforward to yesterday and the calls goes like this:

Customer Service: (in thick Jamacin accent): Mr Homer, I am calling about the phones you bought from Ace Digital.
Josh: OK.
Customer Service: You left us some feedback and I was wondering if you'd change it
Josh: I'd rather not, I think I was pretty honest
Customer Service: OK
Josh: I mean the item came a month late and I was shooting on a deadline
Customer Service: I understand that Mr Homer, I was not working here when that happened
Josh: I spoke with another girl at your company and she offered my $5, and I don't think you buy my opinion for $5
Customer Service: I understand, but maybe we can work something out. Is there anything you want from us?
Josh: No, I'm not going to order from your store again.
Customer Service: Ok Sir, but maybe we can work something out.
Josh: I'd rather not, I don't want to change what I wrote. I didn't even give you guys bad feedback, just average. I said the stuff was in good condition just super late.
Customer Service: I know, but maybe we can work something out.
Josh: I'm not changing the feedback.

Here's where it goes off the hook!

Customer Service: Maybe I can give you more than the $5.
Josh: No thanks
Customer Service: Is it because you're Jewish, you want more.
Josh: What?
Customer Service: You're Jewish right?
Josh: No, I'm black.
Customer Service: Oh, Joshua is a Jewish name
Josh: I know, but I am black
Customer Service: ha ha, you even sound like them.
Josh: What?
Customer Service: You have their accent
Josh: I have a Jersey accent. That's where I am from.
Customer Service: I did not mean to offend you, we can still work something out.
Josh: No thanks.
Customer Service: I'm just saying this is the last day I can offer you that deal.
Josh: Yeah sure, I understand.
Customer Service: Just letting you know.
Josh: No thanks.
Customer Service: Ok.
*CLICK*

Seriously, WTF? Amy was right there listening to the whole thing (well at least my side). We discussed it on the ride up to CT. What did this black dude expect another black dude to sound like, the stupid racist impression that some white comics do where ever other word out my mouth is mother fucker or the N word? As pissed as I was I still laughed my ass off with Amy. If I wasn't a comedian with comedian friends I would have stabbed a mother f*cker a long time ago, word son.

Safe hate is the worst kind.

Question

At what point in your baldness do you stop saying you have a a ceasar and actually say what really have? Clearly it's bangs. Work it girl.

This hiarcut is actually the haircut of famed Kung Fu director Chang Cheh. Quentin ripped off copied it as a homage to the great.

Black and Blind?

Yeah so the big deal with the new Governor in New York is that he is not only black (the first black Gov of New York) but also blind (I think he's like the 4th blind Gov, but I don't know because I'm not blind so I don't really care, and let's be honest neither do you person who can see my blog right now).

Some people call it progress, I call it bullsh!t. First off he was not elected, be basically came in because the other Gov got the boot. Progress? No. It says that New Yorkers would not elect a black governor but would not riot if one happened to get in by default. But enough of that lets get to the nitty gritty or it all.

Spitzer was removed from office for a sex scandal. Let's be clear it was not about the fact he had sex with prostitutes, because America doesn't really care about that. Don't believe me? Then go watch Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen was caught with hookers galore and now he is on a family show. Maybe you should also rent Shrek or Daddy Day Care and listen to Eddie Murphy who was caught with a prostitute who also had a penis. What creeps people out is Spitzer looks like a troll and yet he gets to sleep with hot young girls. America hates the inequality of it all, especially the average Joe who is over weight and bald, but knows he doesn't have the $4500 an hour to get some Spitzer type poonany.

But back to Gov. Patterson. He comes out and tells everyone on TV that he cheated on his wife, many times. The question is, how does he know? His wife could have put on a wig and followed his ass to the bar, and when he though he was picking up a new woman it was really his wife with a crappy British accent and a Tina Turner wig.

I'm your private dancer Gov Patterson, I mean cheerio, pip pip (That a British accent)

Also Gov Patterson told all his business on the local news station NY1. The guy who interviewed him was shocked. He asked the Governor if he smoked marijuana. The Governor replies, "Yes." Then the host asks about cocaine. The Gov then replies, "Yes." The news guy was in such shock he asked the Gov if he heard him right. 'You sure you want to say yes to this sh!t I'm asking you?' To which the Governor replied 'no doubt.'

I thought in the black community we were down with the stop snitching movement, now it seems we are down with stop snitching unless you're going to snitch on yourself before someone else find out. It seems that if you come out and tell on yourself then you get forgiven or even better a free pass. So in line with that I once looked at a homeless lady's boobs. For whatever reason she popped them out and I did look. Perhaps I need rehab.

Yeah so in the 3rd grade I pulled Sally's hair, then in the 5th grade I stole a Now-N-Later from the corner store. Ummm what else can I tell you I did wrong?