So good it hurts

This video was done by a friend of a friend.
I want some Xbox 360 games, so I'm going to wear a suit tomorrow. Maybe I can get some money.

Never forget

On Saturday my wife and I had to drive to Connecticut to pick up a crib. When we went outside to get int he car, a New York Department of Sanitation pick up truck was double parked blocking us in. The truck was running, but the driver was no where to be seen.

I looked around and did not see him. I turned to my wife and said, "We have to go, I'm moving this truck." I walked towards the truck, got to the door and then I see the guy across the street. He calls out to me and says he'll move the truck.

My wife and I get in our car. She turns to me ans says, "Why would you try to move that car? Did you forget you're black? I don't need you shot up. You should have just let me do it."

She is so wrong, yet she is 100% correct.

Please please please STFU

While watching CNN this morning raper and "actor" Bow Wow was on American Morning to talk about how we should all vote. He is doing a walk across America to promote his album voting awareness.

Not only did he read his entire enterview (he looks to his left again and again off camera as he speaks) but he also wore a baseball cap and a large platinum chain. Who cares what a rapper thinks about the politacl situation? Great you're getting people to vote, but let's not be fooled; you're album is dropping soon. I don't care what Bow Wow thinks, I need to find out what JaRule thinks of all this economy stuff! Where is Ja?

I'm a class A a-hole

It's part of my charm. Yesterday while watching Oprah a woman named Monica was profiled on an episode called Warrior Moms (after Jenny McCarthy's book). Monica contracted a flesh eating disease and became a quadruple amputee. Her fiancée still married her, when most men would have run for the hills. The woman is a true inspiration. She lives her life to the fullest and things she can not be a good mother if she is miserable. My hat is off to her.

They go in her home so we can see how she lives her life, very inspirational. Then Jenny says, "I hear you even pay the bills." Monica replies, "Yes I do, I write all my checks." Then she proceeds to show us how, she drops the pen, she fumbles the book and tells us that it takes her three hours to do the bills.

I turn to my wife and say, "Why doesn't she just use online checking?" I know I'm an a-hole.

It's hard to write with that hook,
but it can easily just click send

Serious Post

I live in Brooklyn NY, and I often fear for my life at the hands of the NYPD. If I am in my car and I see their lights, I think to myself "Where is my paperwork?" I want to be prepared. I've had run ins on the street with NYPD and although most of them are nice and try to do their job, some are real jerks who dislike minorities. I got in an argument with a cop once because, as his partner put it 'he was having a bad day.' The only thing that saved me from getting an ass whipping was I threatened to call my lawyer, then the whole conversation changed and the cop walked off cursing at me. I even know a black female officer who when off duty was pulled over and harassed. She asked for the officer’s badge numbers and they got even more belligerent. Then she pulled out her badge and the officer's replied "Oh sorry, didn't know..." As if their behavior was ok otherwise.

In their latest act of idiocy, the NYPD tasered a mentally unstable man, who then fell to his death. Oh yeah, he just happened to be Spanish and live in Bedstuy Brooklyn.

Click Here for details. So sad, and his mother saw it all happen.

Finally!

After years of denial, my mom finally admitted we grew up poor. Up until this point my mom has denied it; going as far as calling me on the phone and asking me to take out any mention of being poor from my bio.

Last weekend I went home to visit mom (really to take care of some business by mom's house) and she said to my wife, "It was hard when they were young (referring to me and my 2 siblings), we lived like paupers."

YES! Maybe now she will cop to us being on food stamps.

I'll always be over weight

As much as I work out, I still do things like eat a whole container of Laura's Whole Junk Food oatmeal raisin bites in one sitting.

Someone call CSI, the body is still warm.

Was that racist?

I went to Whole Foods for lunch. The line system works like this: there are three lines using a pool of cashiers. There is a TV with three sections on it, corresponding to each line. When a number comes up and the voice tells you "Line X" you go to line X.

There was a Jewish man in the line next to me (he was even buying matzo). They call line 1 for him and he walks towards it. The cashier is Muslim, she's wearing a hijab. He walks closer, they call a line number for me, line 6. He turns and runs to lane 6. I walk to lane 1 and look at the cashier; she looks at me and gives me an awkward smile. I laugh. What else could I do?

One of the many secrets of marraige

I've only been married for two years, but I figure out one trick to marriage: no matter what the question is you should always work a compliment into the answer. Here is an actual exchange between my wife and I.

Wife: If I die would you marry someone prettier or uglier than me?

Josh:I'd have to marry someone uglier because you're the prettiest woman alive.

Wife:That was the right answer.


Every question's a test, every answer a chance to fail.

I'm getting old

I had a 45 minute argument with a DJ on how Dipset is horrible. And I don't understand how anyone can wear a scarf in 90 degree weather.

You know you're hot.

Dumb Question

I wonder is anyone gets this one wrong? I just wish one of the choices was Will Smith. I would love to see the wrong answers then.

Céline Dion?

Last night my wife made me go to a Céline Dion concert at MSG. Now Céline Dion can sing, very well at that, but she is not a great performer. She hit her chest and did a lot of the "YES!" fist pull down (like she scored a goal). She also did a few covers of songs by great performers like Tina Turner (it looked sad because although Celine is a better singer, she's no Proud Mary). It was also sad to hear a French Canadian sing Queen's We Are the Campions, because in my mind I knew French Canadians' haven't really won anything - Hockey does not count.

What I did notice is we had GREAT seats. We were 5 rows in front of Barbara Walters, 3 rows in front of Gayle King (Oprah's Gayle, poor woman will always be a sidekick) and 2 rows in front of Celine's husband! You would think he would get better seats. When he sat down people went crazy. I didn't get it, I mean what's he famous for? His balls touched a great singer? Does Ray Jay get the same treatment?

Here's a video of the show I shot from my camera phone.

Wannabe

My wife went to Mel B's (aka Scary Spice of the Spice Girls) lingerie line fashion show. Scary walked the runway and was the featured model in the catalog (on every page). The only problem with the show is it started a little late, about 10 years.

I leave you with this, the video in which Mel B. stole my heart (Luckily she returned it when she got the crazy boob job and dated Eddie Murphy)

Frank TV, another season

Yeah, Frank TV has been renewed for another season! Now you can see all your favorite characters, but only fat!!!!!!

Jerry Seinfeld is HUGE!!!!

God,
This is Josh. I know I haven't asked for much but can you please please please put some good comedies on TV, I mean like 30 Rock the first season before it "dumbed" itself down for the masses or Arrested Development before Satan himself got it thrown off the air. I know many people like the Office (US version) but it's no BBC version.

Thanks in advance,
Josh

I don't understand

Today I saw a blind woman with a tattoo. It wasn't even in raised text.

Blame it on the 80s

Looking back with lyrics like the ones in Freedom, why was it such a surprise when George Michael came out the closet?

You're not sleeping

Now that my wife is 6 months pregnant, I see more dudes on the train pretending to be sleep than I have in my whole life.

You're not fooling me!
Be courteous and give up your seat.

"They Live"

Over the weekend I watched one of my childhood favorite moves, They Live. I was a little disappointed, I waited all movie for Rowdy Rody Piper to say "I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum...." and when he did it felt like the air was let out of my balloon. Although They Live still has one of the best (unneeded) fight seens in any movie.

I've decided to never watch any more movies I loved as a kid, except for The Princess Bride and The Thing because those movies are classics (and I've watched them already and still love them)

I'll always think poor

My wife and I cleaned up the house (like we do every weekend) and she "swiffered" the floors in the living room and kitchen while I cleaned the bathroom. When I went to "swiffer" up the bathroom floor I went to the garbage and saw the swiffer sheet she used and only ONE side was dirty!!!

I ran into the bedroom and said, "I don't know how they live in Richville but in this house we use both sides of the swiffer!" My wife laughed, I was serious. Then I used the swiffer that I took out the garbage to clean the bathroom floor.

I leave you with the partial nude broom swiffer ad that's both funny and creepy.

Obama and Hilary video

Here's a video done by fellow comedian Michael Hayne. Check it out, laugh a little, think some too.


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