Move, get out the way!

So this morning my wife and I went to yet another baby doctor's appointment (so far the kid is pretty healthy, the sonogram tech remarked that he had a huge wee wee). On the way we wait for the train. When it arrives a woman looks at my wife, then looks at her belly, then looks back at my wife and me, then procedes to push her way into the subway and take the only open seat. I love this city.

PS - I said loudly so that she could here me, "Man that was rude, she saw you're pregant and just was like 'Move it pregnant bitch I got to sit down!'" The woman just read her paper.

How I know it's my kid

this picture has not been doctored in any way (except for cropping out my wife's info that was at the top)

Ha! I just heard my dad's dream killer joke!
He has no idea!

And I thought I was getting famous

I'm growing my hair out, it's pretty long now (not as long as it was when I had corn rows!).

Yesterday a man stopped me on the train, "Hey you're a comedian right? I saw you at [so and so location], you're pretty funny." I say thank you. Then he says, "So man if you need a haircut, I work at [so and so barbershop]. Come on in I can hook you up."

I was quoted in the NY Times

It was an article about stand up comedy classes and their benefit (or lack there of) written by Peter Keepnews. Although I am quoted as viewing the classes in a positive light, I also said during the interview that you can't be taught to be funny (but that part landed on the cutting room floor). You can be taught the mechanics of a joke, but you can't be taught what a joke is. Stand up is an art and a science, the science you can learn; the art, not so much.

Click Here for the article.

The Dark Knight, ehh

So I finally saw the movie last night, and I must say it was a let down. Before you send me a bunch of emails (not really) let me explain. The story was decent, there was lots of action, but it was not better than say The Incredible Hulk (which I actually liked more). It was better than Iron Man and leaps and bounds better than any Fantastic Four movie. It was however just an average movie. There was no great step forward made with this movie, it was a comic book movie that actually talked to adults instead of winking at them while talking to children. Was Heather Ledger great? Not really, he was good, but I would not say great.

I think the movie was shot extremely well, but there were scenes in the movie that questioned the intellegence of the characters in it (I don't want to say which ones because that would spoil it for you) including Batman. If I could figure somethign out in the movie then the worlds greatest dective should have an easy go of it.

I think this movie was the perfect storm of hype. Oh well, countdown to Watchmen.

Letter I wrote to the NY Post

I get it: I'm a grumpy old man. Anyway, the NY Post had two articles in it today which can be found here and here (check out the captions under the pictures on the second article) which basically make fun of the cultural garb of some Muslim women. So I wrote them a letter, lets see if Serena French (Fashion Editor) will even respond. If not I'm resending the letter everyday from different email addresses. Ha!

You're article in the Post on July 22 entitled "Perfect for today's medieval woman" and the spread above the article "'Tehran's 'Cover' Girls" were nothing more than thinly veiled jokes made at the expense of another person's culture; from the snarky remarks next to each picture to the completely biased and factually incorrect information in the copy. A woman covering herself is no more "Muslim" than wearing a white sheet and burning crosses is Christian. The hijab and other coverings some Muslim women wear is cultural, not religious, and therefore is not "a dress code adopted by Muslim women the world over." Your biased article is merely pointing the finger and laughing at other people's cultural practices. Would you so quickly put up an article about Jewish women and their practice of shaving their heads and then wearing a wig? I think not because that would be wrong, but poking fun at the culture of some Muslims is not?

Keep up the snarky, one day you'll get that job at Gawker.

Josh

Thank you for being a friend

Today I mourn the passing of Estelle Getty aka Sophia Spirelli Petrillo. As anyone who reads this blog or knows me in real life knows I love the Golden Girls, I am one of three straight men alive who do.

I actually feel sadder about this than Carlin's passing. I know I shouldn't but I do. I grew up on the Golden Girls, while Carlin I "discovered" at a much older age. In any event, Golden Girls is still a timeless classic in part due to Estelle Getty's character, one which she abandoned to have kids and then resurrected to critical acclaim. You will be missed.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

While watching CNN this morning, Rudy Giuliani came on and bashed Obama for not visiting Iraq more often. Before his visit they bashed him for not visiting, now it's not enough. Funny I didn't hear Rudy bash Obama for being faithful to his wife, something Rudy could not do. I worked with Rudy and Co. during 9-11 recovery and I live in NYC, trust me that man is an a-hole. I leave you with a clip from the king of sound bite, my man, Joe Biden.


Rudy's reply, "Screw you, 9-11"

Benchmarks of Being Rich and Famous

I tried to see Batman this weekend. I did not.

Oprah saw it, she saw it in her own home, in a private movie theatre, three months ago.

The Secret

So my X Box 360 broke, already. That was pretty quick. I was warned, everyone I know who has an X Box 360 told me the hardware is horrible but the game catalog is great while the PS3 has great hardware but a horrible game catalog.

I call the X Box 360 help line. I can barely hear the woman on the other end, so I say, "I can't hear you it's very noisy on your end" Her reply, "Yeah I know, we're haveing a concert here." Normally I would think she was just being a smart ass, but it really did sound like a concert was going on in the back. So after talking to her for 30 minutes, all the while she is trying to blame me for the breakage. "So you moved the X Box while a disk was in it?" "No" "Why don't you return the disk to the store?" "Because clearly the X Box is broken, it make a grinding sound and scratched a perfect circle in the disk." And on and on.

Finally I was told to call back in two hours (that's customer service for you) and have a new rep assist me. Which happened, and I'm shipping my X Box out soon.

I told my wife what happened, and she is happy my new game is broken. I replied that she probably broke it. She then says, "No I never touched it. I just wished it broken, didn't you read the secret?"

I might just change my views!

I posted a hilarious line I received in a conservative newsletter Here. Well I think they may have won me over with the latest letter they sent out.

Dear [New Letter Name] Reader,

We are pleased to introduce you to our latest email, the Chuck Norris Email Alert. Chuck Norris is an American icon whose unique, hard-nosed insight on Conservative issues makes him one of the most popular authors we feature at [New Letter Name].

The Chuck Norris Email Alert will land in your inbox on Thursday mornings and point you to our website to read and comment upon Chuck's most recent columns.

We hope you enjoy this new free service. And, please be assured, it's easy to modify your subscription at any time. So, if you ever decide you don't want to receive the Chuck Norris Email Alert, you can always click the "edit your account" link at the bottom of each message to modify your subscriptions.

Sincerely,

[New Letter Name]

Are you kidding me?!?!?! Martial Arts master and Texas Ranger Chuck Noriss and star of his own cartoon which had characters based on stereotypes (I love the Sumo Guy). I think I might vote for McCain now.

Out of my league

My wife is pretty, sometimes it goes to her head as clearly seen in the following exchange.

Wife: So do you think I'm handsome?

Me: I don' think that's the right word to use.

Wife: Well do you think I'm better looking than you?

Me: I think we're in the same league.

Wife: Come on, you don't think I look better than you? I mean I look better than those other girls you dated.

Me: (sensing a trap) Of course you do.

I got carded!

My brother bought me an X Box 360 as a present! This coupled with my in-laws' in-laws giving me gift certificates to Best Buy have made me a happy camper.

Yesterday I decided to actually buy a game for the X Box and chose Gears of War so I can play with my brother on line (Nerd alert). I go into the stor pick up my game and go to pay. "I need to see some ID please?" "For what?" "That's a restricted game, no kids can buy it without thier parentes permission" I laugh and show her my driver's license and my student ID.

I have not looked 17 in probably 10 years. I don't even think I look younger than 21 but younger than 18? Come on. Maybe the sales girl was trying to get my full name and exact age before she tried to holla at me. Or maybe she wanted to see how old I was so she could laugh that I was buying a video game, with gift cards no less.

Apparently you need to look at least 50 or prove you live in your mom's basement to buy this without a hassle

It looks good now....

While waiting at the DMV to straighten out why they were sending notices to my father-in-law about my car, I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo. The design was nice and I'm sure it looked good at one point. However this lady looked about 70 and was at the DMV with wher 4 grandchildren. Sexy it was not. Pretty soon all the people who got those crazy tattoos and the huge hoola hoop in your ear lobe earrings will regret it. It looks cool when your 18, but no so much when you 43.

Maybe I could store my AARP tags here
It's about long term planning. Granted these people look cooler than me NOW, but in 30 years I will have the last laugh. When your ear lobes sag worse than your old testicles, you'll regret it.

Truthfully, I've always wanted a tattoo. I even got some designs made, but then always chickened out because I was scared what the tattoo will look like in 40 years. Now my wife wants me to get her name tattooed on my body. HA! That's a bit too serious for me. I can see marraige and a baby, but a tattoo of her name? No way.

Just wait till the tatto is covered in liver spots

I want to cut his nuts off!

Check out this video of Messy Jesse caught talking about Obama.


I love it because "Rev" Jesse Jackson says Obama talks down to black people, black religious people in particular. That would be disrespectful. Kind of like if you used funds from your religious non-profit to pay your side chicks to stay quiet because you knocked them up out of wedlock, right Jesse? Why is he even in the news, it's not 1984.

I guess I was never funny, until now

Because I was on TV a few people have called me or emailed me telling me that I was never funny when I worked with them or went to school with them. I was always funny! It's just that no one paid me to do it until now. Whatever.

The scariest thing a doctor can say...

is "You need to go to this specialist right now!" Then the doctor has the receptionist call the specialist and the specialist takes you that day. That happened to me.

The Kid

So now that I know (almost 95% sure) that I am having a son, I am thinking of all the things I want to do with him; basically things I never got to do. So I know I am buying him a mini basketball hoop (palms up because I learned basketball from a white guy) and of course a Ninja outfit.

How the hell is that red ninja going to dodge uzi fire?

Hancock

So I went and saw Hancock, which I enjoyed and would see again (unlike Wanted which was doodoo). I like Will Smith, he is one of the benchmarks by which I measure my own success. I know I will be successful once I am in a movie with him or Denzel, or I can call either of them anytime I want.

Anyway, I went to see the movie at 4:30 on July 4th and there are a large number of old black men at the movie, and I mean old. One guy was in a wheel chair, another had TWO canes! I wonder were they there to see it because of Will Smith or because the movie was about a cantacerous black superhero who's just angry at the world?

I could just imagine what the world would be like if every 70+ black dude had super powers. There'd be a lot of old dead white guys.

Whitey if I get bitten by a radioactive spider, that's yo ass!

You marry a woman like your mother

So my in-laws are coming into town this weekend. Nadia feels the need to cook. She says she will make a bunch of Indian food (5 lbs of shrimp!) for her family. She then says in a non-joking serious way, "Oh you're family might come by too, I think I could make some fried chicken as well."

The key to every man's heart.
If you don't know how this is like my mom, please click HERE and watch the video.

It's a (unofficially) boy!

So we went to the doctor today to get bloodwork and get a sonogram that would tell us the baby's sex. The problem is the little kid kept his legs closed, he moved a bit, but it was very hard to see. Finally we got a peak at the goods and it looks like a boy. This has to be confirmed in 3 weeks when we go to a specialist. So basically I know my son might have a penis.

The only thing worse than......

a man in skinny jeans is
a man in skinny jean shorts.

I couldn't even find a picture for this one.

Tomorrow's the day

That's right Hancock in theaters, just kidding. Tomorrow is the day my wife and I find out the sex of our baby. Some people say we shouldn't find out, but we should wait and be surprised. I say the baby already surprised us enough.

This guy even looks like me!
But I know kissing a baby on the lips is creepy