Thursday, February 28, 2008

Where the hell is Josh?

Usually I update every day, but I'm busy. I apologize to my faithful fan. I might be on TV in the near future, and one of the things that happens is you have to type out everything word for word of what you will say. Then this document is sent to the folks over at Standards and Practices, another copy is sent to the FCC, and yet another copy is sent to a group of lawyers to ensure that what you say will not open the network up to legal action. Each group makes notes and sends you a list of things you can do, thing you can't do and things you can do but just not in their current form.

As such I'm in the process of fact checking (I need to provide a legal document showing that a group I talk about has an opinion I say they do), rewriting, and just generally agonizing. And yes, it's as fun as it sounds.

The regular comedy blog will continue soon.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Chris Rock tickets

So I bought a pair of Chris Rock tickets for me and my wife. The next day he walks into a club I am supposed to work at, does 35 minutes on stage for free and bumps me off the show. If only I waited one day, I could have saved $150.

I spent your $150 on the CB4 special addition DVD.
Now turn around and eat your big ass bisquit!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

$6 million for some babies?

So J.Lo dropped her babies like a mix tape. She had a boy and a girl. The thing is she sold the pictures of the kids for $6 million dollars! I may be a racist but I think this is the first time anyone has paid millions to see some Peurto Rican kids, they're a dime a dozen. They're not rare, if I go to the Bronx I can't walk 3 feet without tripping over one. (I can say racist stuff like that because I'm a minority. Eat your heart out white dudes)

JLo: These babies are keeping me relevant,
because my movies and music sure aren't.
Mark Anthony: And by drinking their blood,
I might not look like I'm dying!

Monday, February 25, 2008

New York sometimes pisses me off

I had an audition this morning, well it was an open call. What that means is a bunch of people show up, wait in line and then "audition". My audition went well (or so I think). Here's how it went down.

I got there around 9 AM and met up with Harris Bloom had had been there since about 8. He was first in line, I was 5th. We chat it up, get cold, as more comics arrive. (Harris was nice enough to buy me a hot chocolate). I usually eat some fruit for breakfast, purchased from one of the many the fruit stands in SoHo. The apple cost me 50 cents. But today I missed my breakfast and I was near times square. I bought an apple and it cost me $1.50! GOD DAMN. YOU can get a half pound of apples for that price at PathMark.

An apple a day will make you broke


The 11 AM start time rolls around and I'm ready. Then a comic who I started with shows up. I run to the back of the line and say hello and ask him for my Chris Rock and Jerry Sienfeld CD's back (He's had them for over 2 years! Don't let Ed Pudup borrow your comedy CDs)
A soon as we start talking they start letting people in, I try to run back to my position in line but it's too late. They shut the door on me. Oh well I learned my lesson. The funny thing is before I went to talk to Ed, I said out loud, "Oh crap there's Ed Pudup, I should go talk to him but they may start moving the line."

In any event I laughed it off and waited out it the cold for the next 10 comics to be let in. Once we got inside I signed the sheet and was comic number 12 of the day, not bad. However, I was a little antsy from not being able left out in the cold for an additional 10 minutes.

You're supposed to do 2 to 3 minutes of material for the two judges, there is one other person in the room who sits in the back and you can't really see them. My time comes I go in the room and here's how it goes down:

Judge 1: Hey

Judge 2: Hey, so what's your name?

Me: Josh Homer

Judge 2: So where you from

Me: Brooklyn, but originally from New Jersey

Judge 2: Brooklyn by way of dirty Jersey, nice. So how long have you been doing this?

Me: About 4 and half years (pause) but closer to five.

Judge 1: Ok lets here it

Me: You don't want to hear my credits or anything?

Judge 1: Nah, that's ok.

Me: Ok here we go......

I then tell ONE joke and the judges love it, they even laugh at the setup.

Me: (as the judges are laughing) So is there anything else you need from me or are we good?

Judge 1: (laughing) No man, you're good, you can leave.

Judge 2: You can get out of here.

Me: Alright later dudes. (walks off stage and out the door)


Maybe they will call me, maybe they will not.
Moral of the story: I'm an ass.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Why do you say such things?

It's snowing pretty bad in NYC (well now it's raining so you have a slushy slippery mix), so I wore boots, a heavy coat, a hat and gloves. I put on my "outfit" to go get lunch and the following exchange took place between myself and my coworker.

Coworker: Wow, you look tough. I guess I under estimated you

Me: Yeah I was born on the streets

Coworker: The actual streets?

Me: Yeah in a box



I guess being warm means you're tough


It's no worse than the time, when I was still an engineer, I wore cornrows to work on a Friday. My boss says, "Wow, are you going to the islands this weekend?"

Sean Paul better watch out,
I'm coming to the islands after my nap

Realization part 2

"How much time you doing?" is a term used only in comedy and prison.

OK, we need you to do a clean 5 minutes,
then we rape you.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Have you no manners?

So in NYC there are a lot of homeless people (aka bums). They always ask you for change giving a varied list of the things they need the money for. Please note I'm a New Yorker now so I'm a bit jaded. When you first come here you look at people with pity and try to help every homeless dude with a cup. Then you realize you've got got.

    NYC Bums top scams for getting money (listed in random order)
  • Can you spare some change so I can get a cup of coffee:
    I heard this just this morning. Is someone homeless really trying to get their Starbucks on? I doubt it.
  • Anything will help, I have a family to feed:
    this one is usually executed by women with a sign explaining how they lost their job and have 4 kids. My question then is where are the kids right now? Are you begging for money to pay your babysitter?
  • F*$K food, I need money to buy beer:
    Oh the honesty guy. He gets a laugh for being honest, at times I have been moved to enable this drunk to get a Heineken.
  • I need money for the subway (or bus, or train) to get home:
    Really? Well how did you get here in the first place? Maybe the long walk home will give you time to think about how you got in this predicament in the first place.
  • By giving me money, you're keeping me from robbing people:
    this semi-threat is baseless. The cops will keep you from robbing people, you can't snatch a wallet, then blend into the crowd with your jacket made from rat fur
  • Ninjas killed my family, need money for karate lessons:
    the guy who has this sign is a Times Square favorite. Tourists stop, take pictures, and for a moment forget this man just pissed on the ATM machine.

The bums are getting rude too. This bum who was black said to me, "Yo n!gga can I get some change?" Word? What happened to "Sir, do you have any spare change?" or anything besides calling me the N word.

The worst is when you don't give them money they say, "Have a good day, God Bless you." Really? Trying to guilt me out of 50 cents? I look at it like this, out of all the people on God's green earth, that homeless dude doesn't have the power to give out God's blessings. He might be able to give out Satan's curses, but not God's blessings.

6 Degrees.....

So I live in Brooklyn NY, very close to Spike Lee's production company 40 Acres and a Mule. If you ever go by you can see the huge pictures he has of Savion Glover and Tommy Davidson in full costume from the movie Bamboozled, it's both hilarious and disturbing.

These cut outs in the background are in his window


My ex-girlfriend used to live about 3 blocks from his studio, but more importantly her family owned a brownstone and rented the basement apartment to.....wait for it......Joie Lee, Spike Lee's sister, the one he puts in most of his movies.

Thank got for nepotism,
a girl need to buy some Manolo Blahniks


When the ex's family sold the builing to gentrifiers, Ms. Lee was out of a home. She then moved onto the block I live on and I would see her every week on her little bike with a basket on the handle bars, peddeling up and down Vanderbilt Ave. Well yesterday I got on the C train and was heading home after a basketball game (We played in a gym that was 94 degrees, I was soaked head to toe) and who should shoot me a smile and sit down next to me; none other than Joie herself. This might be a backhanded compliment, but she looks much better in real life and she has mad style.

I kept thinking, 'If only I had kicked it to her back in the day, I too could be in her brother's movies.' Screw talent, I'm trying to sleep my way to the middle.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Help Me Keep Dog the Bounty Hunter off TV

In Nov 2007, Duane "Dog" Chapman was caught saying some of the most racist things I've heard in a long time. Not just using the "N word" to describe his son's fiance, but telling him he needs to 'get her out of his life' because she is African American. His show was taken off the air. However, the show made a lot of money for A&E so they are trying to bring it back under the cover of night.
Take a minute read the petition (it has the transcript of his racist conversation in it), sign it and pass it on to everyone you know.


CLICK HERE for the petition.


I hate n!ggers, oh wait was that on tape?
Because then I tottally didn't mean it.

Obama: The Great White Hope?

So I'm voting for Obama, and not because he's black. I wouldn't vote for any black dude running. If Flava Flav ran, he would not have my vote. He would however have me as his assassin: Joshua Barak Homer (because assassins use all three names). What's that you say? Yes my middle name is BARAK! Damn right. When Barack Obama was in college calling himself Barry (he did, read his books) I was repping Barak to the fullest. Well actually I wasn't. That name got me teased more than Josh. The funny thing is people love the name now; it's even in the baby name books. People are like "Oh I love the name Barak; it's a strong African name." Well guess what suckas? The name is not African it's Hebrew (Mosoltov suckas!). Read your bible, the book of Judges. The original Barak was a gangster. He killed many a fool in the name of God.

Barak, I beg the mercy.
Talk to the hand bitch!


It also cracks me up that now that Barack is a viable candidate, people are switching sides to support him. Before the primaries, people in the black community where hard on poor old Obama. "He's not black enough, I'm voting for Hilary" Really? I'm pretty sure Hilary is not black enough either. It's also funny to label him 'not black enough.' What did you expect the first black president to look like? Wesley Snipes? Its America baby, and Blade is not making it to the White House. You have to get people used to idea of a brown President before you go Chocolate Love on them.

I need your vote and your blood,
mostly just your blood.


If When Obama wins it will be an end of an era. No more will people let you 'get away with' using your race as a handicap. That's not saying racism will not exist, that's saying you better STFU about it. "Man I can't get booked at these clubs because they make the line up mostly white." "Man you need to stop talking that crap, you can do anything. The President is black so don't tell me you can't get booked" Ahhhh the end of an era.

What do you mean you can't be anything you want. Look at me I'm the damn Black President,
and this ain't Deep Impact

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Back from Texas

I got home yesterday night after my flight was delayed for over an hour, good times. The only thing worse than being stuck in an airport, is being stuck in an airport in Houston. I mean if you're into eating large portions of crappy food then its heaven.

Everything in Texas is bigger, especially the people. The cars are bigger, to fit the bigger people. The restaurants serve bigger portions because it's demanded by the bigger people. Check out this ice cream I found at the local Wal-Mart

More stuff? Is that the ingredients list?


You do however get a whole steak and salmon filet for about $20, so I can't really complain. It was also interesting to see election coverage in Texas. McCain is the man down there. Oh well, can't win them all.

To further prove my "people are bigger in Texas" theory, here are some pics from the plane ride home.

On one side of me fluffy white pillows
and on the other the sky.
Never has a seatbelt worked so hard for so little.


This lady was all up on me, but didn't even know it. She was dead asleep, snoring, and then the meals came. No one woke her up, but like the instincts of the South African Swallow who knows exactly when to migrate to find the breading and eating grounds, she awoke when food was near. The meal: Salad with Caesar dressing, cheese burger and a milky way bar for desert. She ate her burger before the drink cart even made it to us and the drink cart was only 3 rows behind the food cart! (We were only in aisle 14) Her husband’s appetite was equally veracious and his cheese burger lived a very short life. He had work to do on the computer so after gulping down the burger, he typed away. She ate her burger, then her milky way. She rested but was still hungry. She then pours all the dressing on her salad, eats it. Then she does the same to her husband's salad. Then the two milky ways meet their maker. She was shoveling the food into her mouth at a rate I have never seen. I was waiting for her to choke. Although I wished no harm to her, I wanted to see if someone could actually fit their arms around her to perform the Heimlich maneuver. But alas there was no show. Oh I forgot to add the best part, before her "nap" she ate a king sized candy bar, I guess that was the apertizer. After her meal (1 Cheese burger, 2 salads, 2 milky ways, and a cup of soda), she capped it off with another king sized candy bar that she either pulled out her purse or from under one of her back titties.

She also annoyed me because she had a Soduku book, and she could not finish one puzzle. When she was not eating, or sleeping, she just stared at the page with her pencil in her hand. Now Soduku can be hard (well not really), but it should not take you a whole 3 hour flight and you not put down one number, not ONE! If that's the case Soduku may not be your game. Try that hot dog eating contest, you might not win but I bet you will at least score some points.

I did learn a valuable lesson while in Texas: Never cut your own hair.

I need that Like I need another hole in my head! BA-ZING! I'm here all week, try the veal.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Don't ever forget

I'm in Houston due to a family emergency (hence my lack of posting on Friday). Now I live in New York and there George Bush and the whole Bush clan is pretty much the butt of a lot of jokes. It's so bad (and so easy for comics) that getting on stage and saying "George Bush sucks" will not only get you a laugh but probably an applause break.

But that's New York, I'm in Texas, and here Bush is king. Check out this statue at the airport of George the First.

Even in his best day GB1 wasn't built like this


The point is we're all different. Vote Obama.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Resident Evil: Extinction

I rented Resident Evil: Extinction, that was before I knew Ashanti was in it.

I can't sing or act:
I'm f@&king up on two jobs and you ain't got one?

Realization

I think I am the only heterosexual African American who rocks out to Tori Amos on his iPod.

Josh, are you sure you're not a
19 year white girl from Wisonsin?

Don't call it a comeback

I'm seeing more and more dudes with handlebar moustaches. I want to pull out my camera and take a pic, but I don't have the balls for that yet. What I did notice is the owner of said moustache is always a 35+ white male.

The question is: are they making a comeback and if so why? Are there groups of damsels in distress that need to be tied down to train tracks and only a real man with a handlebar moustache can "handle" the task? My only hope in humanity is that there are a series of bets people are loosing.


Sure, I'll take the Pats over the Giants! If not I'll grow that stupid f@$king moustache that the 95 year old barber, Sal No Ears, has.
Oh man this is like taking candy from a baby


There are two famous people with handlebar moustaches: the stereotypic villain for the 1930s and the biker from the Village People. One wears a cape the other leather chaps. So if you have a handlebar moustache you have to ask yourself which one you're trying to be.


I look cool. No not gay, I said cool.

I'm going to cheat on my wife

Well it's not really cheating, she gave me permission. My wife says that if I meet Salma Hayek and she wants to sleep with me then I have her permission to do so.

I've had a crush on Salma way before I ever met my wife. When my wife and I were dating for a year or so, she helped me clean up my house, and by clean up she threw out all my Salma stuff. Granted I was like a 13 year old boy with a poster of her in a bikini in my home office, but come on, she was in Desperado! I liked her so much I own a copy of Banditas, a movie not fit for human eyes.

The thing is my wife says this after Salma just popped out a baby, which is not bad, but the baby daddy is some creepy very old French dude and I can't stop thinking about that. I mean her baby daddy was alive when slavery was an issue. What if his old face pops into my head during the act? That's a deal closer, I'll always know Salma touched some dusty old balls.

This situation also tells me that my wife thinks I couldn't pull Salma! Now granted I don't have the 6 pack anymore, my teeth are a bit yellow, but I still got it! I'm funny and sometimes charming so I think I could get Salma. Clearly my wife doesn't agree. She is so sure I could not get me some Salma that she says, "Go ahead do it, if you can." That's like her saying, "Sure you can go to the strip club on the moon." It's just mocking me.

Get away from me you fat yellow toothed bastard!


I've made it my goal to get with Salma Hayek, and if not I'm putting a wig on Eva Mendez and calling it a night.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Auditions

So I had an audition today. It was my first for a movie, they needed comedians, black comedians. I've auditioned for TV shows, some TV ads but never a movie. I'll let you in on a secret: they're all the same. You get your lines ahead of time, show up, wait around, go in a room with 2 or more people, say your name into a camera and then start reading.

This time they were auditioning kids in the other room, but we all shared the same waiting room. I learned that I never want to have a kid who is a child actor. The kids (all except one red haired kid) seemed maladjusted. The acted as if they had no childhood. One kid who was 9 going on 10 told another child and his mom that he didn't understand why kids his age don't like reading Moby Dick because it's a good book. Age 9?!?!?! At 9 I was just discovering my mody dick, and it was a page turner.

The audition gets even creepier for the kids. They go in the audition room by themselves behind a curtain so the other kids, and the parents can not see. A camera? A child away from his parents? The child looking to please the auditioners? This screams of the Bicycle man from Different Strokes. If they ask you to play safari run for the hills kid!



Back to me, I don't think I got the part. While reading the part that was clearly written for a young Faizon Love I slipped into my "Coon" voice. A voice I do to mock people like Flava Flav. I guess I thought the character was worthy of the voice. The character was a black sidekick to a Van Wilder type. He basically says "Yes boss" to Van the whole movie. Oh well, I still would do the movie. I don't think of it as selling out but buying in. Rent is due.

Fazion Love: You might remember him from such classics as "Who's You Caddy?", "3 Strikes" and "The Players Club"


In his defence though Faizon Love turned down Soul Plane because he felt it was too much. Even Mr. Love can recognize some real coonery a bafoonery.

When the cat's away

My wife is out of town for three days on business. So I'm left to my own devices, and by devices I mean nachos, flat screen TV (sans Oprah, my wife's favorite), and my X-BOX.
Are the devices ready?
Aye aye captain.


Don't get me wrong I love my wife, I wouldn't have married anyone else (no I'm not kissing her ass, she doesn't read my blog), but you need a break every now and then. No shopping for shoes AKA holding her purse, no eating organically grown asparagus, and no watching a TiVo's Oprah after work.

You've stolen so much of my time


I bought my wife the Oprah 20 Year DVD set and we watched all 17+ hours of the set in less than a week. Really think about that, 17 hours of TV in one work week is a lot of Orpah. I like Oprah, she's a positive influence in the world, but 17 hours of her, and her BFF Gale, Dr. Ox, and the rest of the her crew is just too much.

Orpah does help me out though. My wife really pushes my comedy career because she believes in me, and wants me to get on Oprah. All and all, I can live with Oprah. Tyra though is a whole other story.

No matter who is on Tyra's show it is about her, but in a way that is far less charismatic than Oprah. For example, she had some kids on who all had cancer and looked like they all had cancer, really sad stuff. Tyra asks them how it feels to be so young and know you can die at any minute. The one kid gives a heart wrenching tale of how he feels and how he stand out because of his horrible disease. Tyra's reply: 'I know how you feel because when I was young I was tall and gangly, and I stood out.' Really, in your mind Tyra cancer=being tall? If that's the case my heart goes out to Shaq, he's really going through it right now.

To add insult to injury Tyra is sitting in front of these poor cancer children, who are all bald because of the chemo and she has the nerve to have on a brand new wig! That's mocking them at this point. At least take off your hair piece and be bald to show some solidarity Tyra (I would never want to see her before she visits the wig crypt and gets her doo right.)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Computers scare old people

So they hired another temp at this job, but she's old. She also has no idea how a computer works. Granted her job really is to interact with customers and sell things, but come on, know what that "Power Point" is not what E.T. did.

Elliot, this is my power point, bend over and get ready to point and click

I just don't get it, if you expect to work in this world at least have a rudimentarty understanding of what computers do, they're not a magic box created by Okla the Mok in his dungeon layer.

On the flip side anything I can do on a computer for this person makes me look genius. "Why don't we just change the font?" "Oh My God Josh, you saved the day"

This box makes pictures of things, and it can take your soul. Now where is Ookla the Mok? I need more magic beans

PS - Ookla the Muk is from a show called Thundarr the Barbarian. In the opening credits they say civilization ended in 1994.

Monday, February 11, 2008

"Some guys have all the luck" or "There is no justice in the world"

So this level 3 sex offender just won $10 million from a scratch off ticket. This dude has been a sex offender since 1974, talk about "staying the course." Just in case you were wondering a "level 3" offender is, it's the most dangerous kind and they are likely to commit another crime. Now this dude has $10 million to do it with.

He's going to be the Batman of sex offenders, all this money, time on his hands, and people to touch! I mean the sex offender is going to have a little boy with him at all times in tight green spandex pants and the kid is going to swing from ropes and slide down poles. It will be just like the real Batman except not in the closet.

Meanwhile I've never molested anyone and can't win anything.

Holy windfall Batman, I'd touch your penis for $10 million

I saw a unicorn

Well not actually a unicorn but on the train today I saw a black jew. Yes I know they are not as scarce as a unicorn, I mean Sammy Davis Jr. was a living legend. However it is not too often you see a Yamaka on a half-fro (a balding afro). If only I had my camera with me.

Can I get a bagle with lox?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

The Grammy's

"Damn it I told you no more embargoes"

Pretty boring stuff, but it showed me that even though she is 68 years old I'd probably still sleep with Tina Turner. Cher however is out of the question, but I would like to know where she got that wig and what it's actually made of, my guess is steal reinforced titanium yak ass.

Little known fact:
Cher and Sonny both died on Jan 5, 1998

So I've decided to bring my video camera with everywhere I go

Because people just don't believe the stuff I happen to see. While on the C train a woman caught the "holy" ghost and started screaming about loving Jesus over and over and saying how beautiful he was. It's a little weird to see a woman in her 50s, dressed in all white scream about Jesus in a way that seems like she wants to rape him. I can not convey how insane the situation was. Over 40 people on a train while this woman dances, sings, her left side shaking as she jumps up and down on the seats on the train. The best part is no one said anything on a crowded train. That's New York for you; it's not my problem and don't get involved.

PS. It always makes me laugh when people "speak in tongues" because I am pretty sure God knows English, and I think French too.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

I shoot videos



In honor of Black History Month, I'm promoting Black Jesus. There aren't too many "black" gods going around. That means a lot to a little brown kid's self-esteem. Who you see and aspire to be like is a picture of a dude that looks nothing like you.

Why do you think whenever the US goes invades a country they take the face of the dictator/leader off the money because what you see affects you. So I'm promoting black Jesus to help the kids in my neighborhood realize they can be anything they want to be: even a deity.

With that said, screw Creflo A Dollar for milking the flock of Black Jesus for their money! I hope he gets what he deserves from this Senate investigation into his finances (didn't Jesus preach the downfalls of materialism and the perils of putting your trust in material things, yet Mr. Dollar owns two Rolls-Royces, a private jet plus a $2.7 million Manhattan apartment. Didn't Jesus ride on a donkey and sleep in a tent?)

Friday, February 8, 2008

Words of wisdom from my wife

While walking to the train today with my wife, she says she noticed I was a little upset about Last Comic Standing. We talk a bit about it and I mention a comic who made it to the show who really does not do jokes but has a well defined character. Her reply, "See Josh that's your problem, you concentrate too much on your writing. It's about characters, that's what people want." Right then Dane Cook smiled.

Last Comic Standing

Wednesday night I camped out in a weak attempt to live the dream. It can be summed up in two words: never again.

Memorable moments from the line:

Comic A: So how long have you been doing this?
Comic B: I've been writing for 5 or 6 years, but I've only been on stage twice.

The rain starts to come down hard
Female Comic: Man, I'm going home. This is too much
Male Comic: I live a few blocks from here, you can come back to my house.
Female Comic: ummmmmm
Male Comic: You don't have to


In my tent, which was occupied by three male comics
Comic A: This is romantic
Comic B: Yeah it is
Awkward silence


On the train ride home
Comic B: When I said to Comic A he was right, it was romantic I didn't mean it in a "I want to f#ck you" romantic way.
Me: Yeah
Comic B: You know what I mean, romantic like..... nevermind I'm going to shut up.
Me: Yeah.

Temping at a job that is temp

I'm a stand up comedian by night, which means I'm broke by day.

Currently I have a temp job in a department that is going to be phased out in the next month. I can't wait so I can stay home and watch Judge Mathis.