Thursday, August 28, 2008

I eat very fast

I grew up poor, so there wasn't awlays enough food to fill your belly. Couple this with the fact my brother was huge and ate alot. This means that in order for you to get enough food you had to eat fast; something I carry with me to this day.

Case in point: Last night I got off the train at 23rd and 6th. The clock read 7:17. I walked down to 23rd and 8th to Boston Market, I ordered the turkey with mashed potatoes. I then left walked back up the street, bought a pack of gum and then walked to the comedy club on 23rd. The time was 7:30.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

One more reason not to show off

There is a brilliant speech by Dustin Hoffman in the movie Confidence where he talks about how showing off can get you killed. As good as it was, it has nothing on this video.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Hair today gone tomorrow

I am not a fan of fake hair. The saddest I have seen is poor Chubby Checker.

The Twist came out in 1959, 40 years ago, the same year the gorilla was born whose ass would later provide Chubby's toupée

Friday, August 22, 2008

A loving wife

My wife just noticed I got my X Box 360 back from repairs. Her reply to this fact, "Damn it. I was enjoying your broken X Box!" It's because she loves me.

It's not racism so stop saying it is!!!

I know two interracial couples who cry racism at the drop of a hat. "Those people are stairing at us because I'm white and my boyfriend is black, they're racist!" No that's not the case. They're staring because you are an attractive female and your boyfriend is an uglier version of Patrice O'Neal.

Patrice O'Neal:
Very funny? Yes. Beauty pageant winner? Not so much.

Crying racism where there is none just hurts the cause, especially if people are just staring at a case of the uglies.

I have to change jobs!

The woman that sits next to me has a dog. She pays a dog walker $60 to walk her dog 5 times a week. This is with a discount since she signed up for a monthly plan. If the dog walker walks 15 dogs a week, for 30 minutes each thats a total of $46,800 a year and you only work about 4 hours a day. Of course you have to pick up dog shit, but I'd be willing to do it!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

On the phone with X Box support

My X Box 360 broke over a month ago. As I type this I'm on the phone with support trying to get my game back. The service rep says, "You're name is Homer, as in Homer?"

Monday, August 18, 2008

Never buy a bright yellow garment bag

I think it says to the baggage people "Come on, I dare you."

I think they're lying

Is that fried chicken cutlet sandwhich really handmade like it's package says? Somehow I don't think there is a little old woman in a basement hand battering and frying chicken cutlets for Continental.

Back from Texas, again

I went to Texas for a wedding. As usual, the Bible is strong in Texas. There was a sign (I wish I got a picture of it, but we were driving) that read "Give Jesus a try, if you don't like him, Satan will take you back." I also sat next to a woman at the wedding who informed me I came to Texas during the hurrican season, and that they almost got hit real hard. She then told me that there must have been a lot of believers praying for the hurricane to switch directions because it did, which she acknowledge was great for her but not so much for the people who ended up getting the hurricane. I guess they should have prayed harder, or believed more.

The wedding was also held in a mega church (well maybe mini-mega), the pastor has a Hummer (so wrong for so many reasons, including gas mileage), and the church was so large it needed a map.

"Kids, if we get seperated, I'll meet you at Magic Mountain"

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Recognized for the wrong reasons, again

I have a routine that I stick to. I know it, and I guess other people know it too.

While walking to the gym this morning a woman yells out, “Hey! Where’s your shirt?” I look around expecting to see some shirtless dude (or if I’m lucky woman) on the streets. There were none. I keep walking. “Where is your shirt?” I turn around a look and the woman says, “Yeah you. Every morning I see you walking with a shirt, where is it today?” You see I usually have a button up on a hanger to take to the gym with me, today I did not, I had a t shirt in my bag (my boss it out today).

She then says, “I see you every day with that shirt, and I always wonder where are the pants? I mean you can’t wear that shirt with shorts.” I wear my gym shorts on the train and this astute woman realized I could not wear a “dress” shirt with gym shorts. I told her that the pants are in the bag, but I don’t want my shirt wrinkled so I carry it. She agreed that was the best way to handle it.