Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The difference between men and women

My wife loves the show Intervention. She says she loves the triumph of the human spirit. I watch the show and think, "How many crackheads are out there that can be convinced they are not on the show Intervention but insead on a documentary about addiction?"

Well since we are married I have to watch this show. So I've seen so many episodes that last night I had a dream my wife was on crystal meth. It was very detailed and even woke me up in the middle of the night.

This morning I tell her about the dream and her reply was, "Crystal meth? So in your dream I was skinny?"

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

There is nothing sadder...

than watching a man try to tease the little hair he has left into a contraption that attempts to cover the growing space on his head. Just shave it Bruce Willis style, because you're not fooling anyone.

"I get compliments on my hair all the time."


For more info on this please see my previous blog CLICK HERE

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Empire Strikes Barack

I wish I could do stuff like this.

The things that make you a great comic...

are the things that make you a horrible person. You're ability to find funny in anything sometimes backfires. I mean joking about death is only funny if you don't know the person who died. Talking about your relationship is funny to teh outside world, but never funny to your significant other (at least the juicy stuff anyway). When you're on stage or writing, you remove the filter and talk about everything. That's what makes you great.

With me I can talk about alamost anything on stage (I clear stuff with my wife first as I don't want to be divorced). I'm being pushed by veteran comics to talk about the really private stuff on stage, but it's the stuff that could cost me the most or pay off in the biggest ways. What to do?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

For those of you who say racism doesn't exist in the US

I offer you this: A picture of a T-Shirt being sold in Atlanta. The owner has sold out of them. My heart weeps for the children.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Street sightings

Today as I walked to the doctor, I saw Jon Bon Jovi come out of a store. No one was there to see him, no paparazzi, no fans, no one. No one even stopped as he put on his shades and walked off with a woman.

It must be hard to have so many people chearing you on, then you drop off the face of the earth. But then again it also must be great.

Please and Thank You

So my mom is from the south, therefore I was raised with manners. I say please and thank you, I hold the door open for women, I give up my seat on the train. I do that stuff that women say men don't do anymore.

What do I get for my troubles? Nothing. Today I was walking into a Duane Reade and three young ladies where walking out. I was one step in and they were about 3 steps form the door, so naturally I took a step back and held the door open for them. They never said thank you. So I said, "You're welcome." Then one girl looked at me and sucked her teeth! I guess that's "Thank you" in Bitchanese.

Chivalry is dead and women helped kill it.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Working out update

Today I threw up at the gym. Six pack here I come.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I met a legend

Last night I met Eddie Murphy's uncle. He may not seem like a celebrity to you, but to me he's the guy who said "GoonyGoogoo". He was just like the character Eddie did on stage. He talked to me for over an hour about politics, women (he's in his 70s and he let everyone know his plumbing worked and he was ready for action), and life in general.

I also met Charlie Murphy, who was a very nice guy. He wasn't an asshole, he came up to me and said "Hey I'm Charlie, what's your name?" That's not something people with name/face recognition do to a nobody like me. I only wish my last name was Murphy.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Street sightings

As I walked to pick up my lunch today I saw a 15 year old boy with his mom. He was dressed in black shorts, black sneakers, black socks, black baseball cap, and a black T shirt which read "What would Tony Soprano do?"

I think the answer is obvious, Tony wouldn't wear a shirt asking what a fictional character would do.

Monday, May 5, 2008

My friends

I just noticed that everyone of my friends is funny. I don't hang out (or even like) people who can't laugh at the world and themselves. What's that say about me?

I'm not very religious

Well, let me clarify: I don't really believe too heavily in organized religion. To me it's just another way to get your money. I believe in the old Chuck D saying, "There's a church and a liquor store on every corner, and both want your money and your soul."

I mean between the Church priests touching little boys, the rampant riches gained by "men of God", religious wars, and the fact that religion is used to divide people up instead of bring them together I think it's lost it original purpose, which was to unite people. So I believe in God, I'm a good person, and I try to live my life like God is looking over my shoulder.

One of the things that let you know some churches and people are full of BS is gospel choirs. The choirs themselves are not bad; they are a tool for people to praise God, which is A-OK in my book. The hypocrisy comes in when the choir director says everything is for the glory of God yet names the choir after himself! Yes you Kirk Franklin.

God was my stylist on this photo shoot


You're not giving glory to God by wearing Prada suits and going to red carpet premieres. In my neighborhood there are 4 churches on one block. The question is which Church is God in? I mean they are all fighting for members (and their money) so who does God support? I guess he must support the big church on the corner because their pastor has a Mercedes.

Friday, May 2, 2008

I did the math

I'm half black and half white.
My wife is 3/4 Pakistani and 1/4 Nepalese.

This means our children will be 1/4 white, 1/4 black, 3/8 Pakistani and 1/8 Nepalese.

This means they can look like anything, well anything except my parents. No way they will come out black or white. I guess that's good, maybe.