Where the hell is Josh?

Usually I update every day, but I'm busy. I apologize to my faithful fan. I might be on TV in the near future, and one of the things that happens is you have to type out everything word for word of what you will say. Then this document is sent to the folks over at Standards and Practices, another copy is sent to the FCC, and yet another copy is sent to a group of lawyers to ensure that what you say will not open the network up to legal action. Each group makes notes and sends you a list of things you can do, thing you can't do and things you can do but just not in their current form.

As such I'm in the process of fact checking (I need to provide a legal document showing that a group I talk about has an opinion I say they do), rewriting, and just generally agonizing. And yes, it's as fun as it sounds.

The regular comedy blog will continue soon.

Chris Rock tickets

So I bought a pair of Chris Rock tickets for me and my wife. The next day he walks into a club I am supposed to work at, does 35 minutes on stage for free and bumps me off the show. If only I waited one day, I could have saved $150.

I spent your $150 on the CB4 special addition DVD.
Now turn around and eat your big ass bisquit!

$6 million for some babies?

So J.Lo dropped her babies like a mix tape. She had a boy and a girl. The thing is she sold the pictures of the kids for $6 million dollars! I may be a racist but I think this is the first time anyone has paid millions to see some Peurto Rican kids, they're a dime a dozen. They're not rare, if I go to the Bronx I can't walk 3 feet without tripping over one. (I can say racist stuff like that because I'm a minority. Eat your heart out white dudes)

JLo: These babies are keeping me relevant,
because my movies and music sure aren't.
Mark Anthony: And by drinking their blood,
I might not look like I'm dying!

New York sometimes pisses me off

I had an audition this morning, well it was an open call. What that means is a bunch of people show up, wait in line and then "audition". My audition went well (or so I think). Here's how it went down.

I got there around 9 AM and met up with Harris Bloom had had been there since about 8. He was first in line, I was 5th. We chat it up, get cold, as more comics arrive. (Harris was nice enough to buy me a hot chocolate). I usually eat some fruit for breakfast, purchased from one of the many the fruit stands in SoHo. The apple cost me 50 cents. But today I missed my breakfast and I was near times square. I bought an apple and it cost me $1.50! GOD DAMN. YOU can get a half pound of apples for that price at PathMark.

An apple a day will make you broke

The 11 AM start time rolls around and I'm ready. Then a comic who I started with shows up. I run to the back of the line and say hello and ask him for my Chris Rock and Jerry Sienfeld CD's back (He's had them for over 2 years! Don't let Ed Pudup borrow your comedy CDs)
A soon as we start talking they start letting people in, I try to run back to my position in line but it's too late. They shut the door on me. Oh well I learned my lesson. The funny thing is before I went to talk to Ed, I said out loud, "Oh crap there's Ed Pudup, I should go talk to him but they may start moving the line."

In any event I laughed it off and waited out it the cold for the next 10 comics to be let in. Once we got inside I signed the sheet and was comic number 12 of the day, not bad. However, I was a little antsy from not being able left out in the cold for an additional 10 minutes.

You're supposed to do 2 to 3 minutes of material for the two judges, there is one other person in the room who sits in the back and you can't really see them. My time comes I go in the room and here's how it goes down:

Judge 1: Hey

Judge 2: Hey, so what's your name?

Me: Josh Homer

Judge 2: So where you from

Me: Brooklyn, but originally from New Jersey

Judge 2: Brooklyn by way of dirty Jersey, nice. So how long have you been doing this?

Me: About 4 and half years (pause) but closer to five.

Judge 1: Ok lets here it

Me: You don't want to hear my credits or anything?

Judge 1: Nah, that's ok.

Me: Ok here we go......

I then tell ONE joke and the judges love it, they even laugh at the setup.

Me: (as the judges are laughing) So is there anything else you need from me or are we good?

Judge 1: (laughing) No man, you're good, you can leave.

Judge 2: You can get out of here.

Me: Alright later dudes. (walks off stage and out the door)


Maybe they will call me, maybe they will not.
Moral of the story: I'm an ass.

Why do you say such things?

It's snowing pretty bad in NYC (well now it's raining so you have a slushy slippery mix), so I wore boots, a heavy coat, a hat and gloves. I put on my "outfit" to go get lunch and the following exchange took place between myself and my coworker.

Coworker: Wow, you look tough. I guess I under estimated you

Me: Yeah I was born on the streets

Coworker: The actual streets?

Me: Yeah in a box



I guess being warm means you're tough

It's no worse than the time, when I was still an engineer, I wore cornrows to work on a Friday. My boss says, "Wow, are you going to the islands this weekend?"

Sean Paul better watch out,
I'm coming to the islands after my nap

Realization part 2

"How much time you doing?" is a term used only in comedy and prison.

OK, we need you to do a clean 5 minutes,
then we rape you.

Have you no manners?

So in NYC there are a lot of homeless people (aka bums). They always ask you for change giving a varied list of the things they need the money for. Please note I'm a New Yorker now so I'm a bit jaded. When you first come here you look at people with pity and try to help every homeless dude with a cup. Then you realize you've got got.

NYC Bums top scams for getting money (listed in random order)

• Can you spare some change so I can get a cup of coffee:
  I heard this just this morning. Is someone homeless really trying to get their Starbucks on? I doubt it.
  
• Anything will help, I have a family to feed:
  this one is usually executed by women with a sign explaining how they lost their job and have 4 kids. My question then is where are the kids right now? Are you begging for money to pay your babysitter?
  
• F*$K food, I need money to buy beer:
  Oh the honesty guy. He gets a laugh for being honest, at times I have been moved to enable this drunk to get a Heineken.
  
• I need money for the subway (or bus, or train) to get home:
  Really? Well how did you get here in the first place? Maybe the long walk home will give you time to think about how you got in this predicament in the first place.
  
• By giving me money, you're keeping me from robbing people:
  this semi-threat is baseless. The cops will keep you from robbing people, you can't snatch a wallet, then blend into the crowd with your jacket made from rat fur
  
• Ninjas killed my family, need money for karate lessons:
  the guy who has this sign is a Times Square favorite. Tourists stop, take pictures, and for a moment forget this man just pissed on the ATM machine.

The bums are getting rude too. This bum who was black said to me, "Yo n!gga can I get some change?" Word? What happened to "Sir, do you have any spare change?" or anything besides calling me the N word.

The worst is when you don't give them money they say, "Have a good day, God Bless you." Really? Trying to guilt me out of 50 cents? I look at it like this, out of all the people on God's green earth, that homeless dude doesn't have the power to give out God's blessings. He might be able to give out Satan's curses, but not God's blessings.