Conversations with my wife

I love my wife. She is one of the few people who constantly make me laugh, and a comedian saying that means something.

The other night I went out to eat with comedian and blogging enthusiast Harris Bloom and his lady friend Josie. While at dinner the topic of my wife being a princess came up (well I actually said the term princess, one which she uses freely at home but tried to avoid at the restaurant). In the taxi on the way home we have the following exchange:

Wife: I'm not a princess

Me: Yes you are, you're always asking me to hand you things when you can do it.

Wife: That's not a princess that a woman who knows what she wants. That's a queen!

Me: A queen?

Wife: Yes, if there was a movie about me Cate Blanchett would play me!

I laugh

Wife: (in bad British accent) "There is a wind in me too sir!"*

I just laughed.


Funny thing is my wife has this outfit.

* not an exact quote from Elizabeth: The Golden Age, the real quote is: I, too, can command the wind, sir! I have a hurricane in me that will strip Spain bare when you dare to try me! However, in our house we say, "There is a wind in me too sir!" because we love potty humor.

I fear getting old

Sunday night I taped a program at a church. Before the program started an old lady fell right in front of me.

She looked to be in her early 60s, with blond hair (possibly died). She didn't look old enough to be on the cast of the Golden Girls (best sitcom EVER), but she was older.

The way she fell was what made me laugh (I checked to see if she was ok first, so don't judge). She fell and kept her arms at her side, they never moved. So it looked like she was a salmon going upstream.

I hope I don't fall!

She just went up in the air and came down like she was on a board. She did not bend, she did not move her hands to protect her face, nothing. The part that spooked me was the aftermath.

She was ok so she got up and took her seat, but every other old person started talking about the time they fell. "Oh Lord, that was just like the time I fell in Shoprite. Girl it was crazy." It that what being old is like; talking about the time you fell or the pain in your hip? No thank you.

I fell here in 1984, and I ain't moving!

Harris Bloom problem solved

Comedian and buddy Harris Bloom thought he looked like Beatlejuice in a picture he posted here. I fixed his problem.

My wife's logic

The following events actually happened. Here is a conversation I had with my wife word for word one morning while we were still in the bed.

Wife: I'm so mad at you

Me: What did I do?

Wife: I had this dream, and you cheated on me.

Me: But I didn't do it, it was a dream.

Wife: Whatever, I'm mad at you.

If only I knew how to go into people's dreams like Dennis Quaid in the movie Dreamspace. My life would be totally different.

Obama, the remix

I'll get it right one day

So due to recent events in my life, I was scared into going back to the gym. I used to go 4 times a week, I also used to do martial arts as well. Then I got old and married, and I stopped going to the gym. It's not that I have the attitude of, "I'm married now so I don't need to impress anyone." It's that I'm married now and the time I would spend in the gym giving myself attention has to be used on giving my wife attention. I say all this to point out I'm back in the gym.

I get up early and go to the gym before work. This requires me to shower at the gym, something I have never done before. I used to work out at night at a gym near my home and just ride my bike home and shower. This is no longer possible.

My first gym shower was on Monday. I heard stories of dudes in the shower with their legs up for no reason and their manly parts hanging down as they talked to other dudes or on their cell phones or brushed their hair. I thought they were stories exaggerated for effect, I was wrong. Today while I was getting ready after my shower, one dude walked by my locker 3 times. He was fully clothed and ready to head out. I really don't care, but I felt like women must feel every day; like a piece of meat. At least the dude walking by could have asked me a question like, "So with Clinton winning by 10 points last night, how do you think the Obama camp will readjust their strategy if an adjustments are needed?" At least then I would know he respected me.

I also seem to forget something in my gym bag every day. Monday I forgot my underwear. Today I forgot my belt. Now forgetting your belt may not seem so bad, but for me it is. I'm the only black dude in my department, one of two in my entire company (the other black dude works in a corner cube so no one ever sees him). I can't have my pants falling down. The reputation of the entire race rests on my shoulders (or at least that’s how it always feels. That's why I over tip even when the service is bad. I have a story about this, but that's another blog).

My wife says I need to befriend the other black guy here. I don't think I do. I mean how can I? Just walk up to him and say, "So... I heard you're black too."

Is it really that serious?

Friday I went to Philly for the Mets vs. Phillies game. I did not want to go; in fact I think baseball is the most boring sport alive. Any sport where the fans get a break is pretty boring.

The thing that struck me was how hard core the fans were. I don't mean wearing jersey's I mean the hate in their blood.

I was waiting in line for a cheese steak when a Met's fan got in line, well actually he cut. His friend, who is a Phillies fan, held his spot for him and he jumped in line. No problem for me. However the Phillies fans had a huge problem with it. "I hope you die f@ggot!" "I hope you choke on that steak, why don't you just have some of your sh!tty New York pizza instead!" Wow. Is it that serious? It's just a game.

I moved my seat during the game so my wife could talk to one of her coworkers. As she chatted away a Spanish player got up to bat for the Mets. Directly behind me, only one row away, a group of 20 years olds started up. "Go back to your won country Mexican!" "Hey illegal go home! You suck!" I turned around and gave the dude the side eye. They shut up. My whole thing is their racism is not even logical. How can you hate a Spanish player on the Mets yet have a bunch of Spanish players on the Phillies you love. It's baseball! If it was not for minorities (mostly Spanish) there would be no sport, or at least it would not be at the level it is today.

In the end the Mets won. I was even taunted by some Phillies fans for being a New Yorker. I honestly believe that you have to have nothing else going on in your life to be that into sports. If the Mets win or loose, I still have to go to work and pay my bills. If Jose Reyes has a great game I don't get a raise.

I'm a monster

or at least a fat pig. I have cookies in my desk (don't tell my wife). I rationalize this by saying "I only bought them because they were on sale." The thing is as a fat kid I always have to take it to the next level of fatness. My coworker comes by and says, "Can I have a cookie?" My reply should have been, "Yes you can." Instead my reply was, "You know what? I'm going to microwave a few cookies and get some milk out the break room." That's how monsters think.

"You ever notice I didn't really eat cookies? I just crumbled them up so those bastard kids couldn't have them"

Think about it; it's always a monster who takes it to the next level. I mean killing a person is pretty horrible, but a true monster is the guy (or gal) who thinks, "You know what, stabbibg this dude just isn't enough. I should cut out his eyeballs and testicles and then play pool with them." What I'm saying folks is I'm a serial killer, the only victim though is my health.

No cell phones while driving in NYC

You're not allowed to talk on your cell in NEw York (or New Jersey) unless you have the blue tooth ear piece that makes you look like an extra from Star Trek.

"Hello? Is this a Klingon? Hello? I can't, what?....
man this Spint service sucks"

They say that talking without a hands free device can interfere with your driving and you could cause an accident. I say they just want something else to ticket you for. Why do I say this? Yesterday I left work early and had to drive to Jersey. While waiting to get into the Holland Tunnel the guy in the SUV in front of me (with PA plates) pulled out his guitar and started playing while he drove! He had the arm of the guitar out the window and his hands where plucking the strings. He drove past three police officers. One just laughed. I said to the final officer that saw him, "No? Not going to stop him? Just let him play and kill us all?" The officer ignored me.

How you know my neighborhood changed

In the movie Ghost, Whoopi Goldberg's character is scared of a guy from the Prospect Park neighborhood. She exclaims, "Willie? Prospect Park Willie?" then runs for her life. Now Prospect Park is filled with all rich yuppies and you can't rent a place for less than 2 grand. You want to buy? My old boss sold her place for almost $4 million. I guess if Prospect Park Willie would have held onto his place instead of getting hit by a car, he could have sold it for the $4 million they killed poor Sam for.

Another sign that your neighborhood has changed is the people who live there think they have super powers. Now in my Brooklyn neighborhood of Clinton Hill people (usually white people, but not always) walk out into traffic and then hold their hands up to stop the oncoming cars. It works! They even get pissed off that a car that has a green light would come towards them or that drivers honk their horn at them when they cross. Rewind 5 years and the car would have hit them, and just kept going. The police would have done minimal effort to look for the person. I mean 5 years the victim would have been black, and no one cares about them hence missing white woman syndrome

40 is the new 30?

That may be true, but people don't believe it. I hate when I talk to someone (usually a female) and they tell me how happy they are with their looks, and that they don't mind getting older. I then take a step back and look at them and notice the fake hair, or the botox, or the SPANKs. If you were really happy with how you look you wouldn't use all that crap.

I work with a guy who gets botox on the regular. He's a decent looking guy and in my opinion doesn't need it. Now before you raise the gay flag on me I can say another dude looks ok, I can even say another dude looks good.

To everyone out there (the dudes anyway) who says you can't tell if another dude is good looking is a liar. Dudes are quick to say something like "Flava Flav is one ugly mother f*cker." The question is if you can tell a guy is ugly then you have the ability to judge another dude, you're just so scared you can't say Denzel is a good looking man. To me that's gay.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Monday Show

So on Monday the comedy show I was booked on had very light crowds. Apparently the NCAA championship is more important than comedy to some people. Idiots.

Anyway, with the light crowd I had to do more crowd work (talking to the people, instead of shooting out my jokes). I met a dude who's name is Roc, that's his middle name. He also named his children Topaz, Stone, and Ivory. I kid you not. He wanted to keep the Flinstone theme.

I just feel bad for Ivory because she is the only one who is not a stone, she's a bone, and one that's illegal.

Roc was a great guy, I liked him so much I bought him a drink and I'm super cheap. His life story could be turned into a book; he was a marine, he has triplets (16 year old girls), he was an underground fighter, he was in "collections" (*wink* *wink* for all the Sopranos fans), and he once took a state sponsored vacation (*wink* *wink* for all the Oz fans). He made me feel like I had accomplished nothing, well nothing except not getting raped in the shower.

Seperated at birth?

These 3 guys look alike, at least my wife's family seems to think so:







It seems I did not marry a woman as much as I married a situation.

Customer Service?

I am so glad that my friend Amy was there to hear this phone call or no one would believe it.

Here's the back story. I few months ago I needed new studio quality headphones for my camera so I ordered them through Amazon. Amazon did not directly fill my order but subcontracted out to one of their approved vendors. After waiting 3 weeks with no contant with the seller, and sending numerous emails with no replies I contacted Amazon and tried to cancel my order because I needed them for a shoot that was coming up. I bought them from another source and tried to get my money back. Two weeks later the headphones come in the mail, I try to return them but it will cost me a restocking fee so I keep them as a back up. I of course leave the seller some feedback. I gave them a 3 out of 5 with the following comment, "Item came very late, sent email they did not respond until over a week later. Item did come as described only very late."

Two weeks after that someone calls me and asks if I would change my feedback for a $5 gift certificate to their store. I told them no since I would not shop there again and they could not buy my intergrity for $5. Fastforward to yesterday and the calls goes like this:

Customer Service: (in thick Jamacin accent): Mr Homer, I am calling about the phones you bought from Ace Digital.
Josh: OK.
Customer Service: You left us some feedback and I was wondering if you'd change it
Josh: I'd rather not, I think I was pretty honest
Customer Service: OK
Josh: I mean the item came a month late and I was shooting on a deadline
Customer Service: I understand that Mr Homer, I was not working here when that happened
Josh: I spoke with another girl at your company and she offered my $5, and I don't think you buy my opinion for $5
Customer Service: I understand, but maybe we can work something out. Is there anything you want from us?
Josh: No, I'm not going to order from your store again.
Customer Service: Ok Sir, but maybe we can work something out.
Josh: I'd rather not, I don't want to change what I wrote. I didn't even give you guys bad feedback, just average. I said the stuff was in good condition just super late.
Customer Service: I know, but maybe we can work something out.
Josh: I'm not changing the feedback.

Here's where it goes off the hook!

Customer Service: Maybe I can give you more than the $5.
Josh: No thanks
Customer Service: Is it because you're Jewish, you want more.
Josh: What?
Customer Service: You're Jewish right?
Josh: No, I'm black.
Customer Service: Oh, Joshua is a Jewish name
Josh: I know, but I am black
Customer Service: ha ha, you even sound like them.
Josh: What?
Customer Service: You have their accent
Josh: I have a Jersey accent. That's where I am from.
Customer Service: I did not mean to offend you, we can still work something out.
Josh: No thanks.
Customer Service: I'm just saying this is the last day I can offer you that deal.
Josh: Yeah sure, I understand.
Customer Service: Just letting you know.
Josh: No thanks.
Customer Service: Ok.
*CLICK*

Seriously, WTF? Amy was right there listening to the whole thing (well at least my side). We discussed it on the ride up to CT. What did this black dude expect another black dude to sound like, the stupid racist impression that some white comics do where ever other word out my mouth is mother fucker or the N word? As pissed as I was I still laughed my ass off with Amy. If I wasn't a comedian with comedian friends I would have stabbed a mother f*cker a long time ago, word son.

Safe hate is the worst kind.

Question

At what point in your baldness do you stop saying you have a a ceasar and actually say what really have? Clearly it's bangs. Work it girl.

This hiarcut is actually the haircut of famed Kung Fu director Chang Cheh. Quentin ripped off copied it as a homage to the great.

Black and Blind?

Yeah so the big deal with the new Governor in New York is that he is not only black (the first black Gov of New York) but also blind (I think he's like the 4th blind Gov, but I don't know because I'm not blind so I don't really care, and let's be honest neither do you person who can see my blog right now).

Some people call it progress, I call it bullsh!t. First off he was not elected, be basically came in because the other Gov got the boot. Progress? No. It says that New Yorkers would not elect a black governor but would not riot if one happened to get in by default. But enough of that lets get to the nitty gritty or it all.

Spitzer was removed from office for a sex scandal. Let's be clear it was not about the fact he had sex with prostitutes, because America doesn't really care about that. Don't believe me? Then go watch Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen was caught with hookers galore and now he is on a family show. Maybe you should also rent Shrek or Daddy Day Care and listen to Eddie Murphy who was caught with a prostitute who also had a penis. What creeps people out is Spitzer looks like a troll and yet he gets to sleep with hot young girls. America hates the inequality of it all, especially the average Joe who is over weight and bald, but knows he doesn't have the $4500 an hour to get some Spitzer type poonany.

But back to Gov. Patterson. He comes out and tells everyone on TV that he cheated on his wife, many times. The question is, how does he know? His wife could have put on a wig and followed his ass to the bar, and when he though he was picking up a new woman it was really his wife with a crappy British accent and a Tina Turner wig.

I'm your private dancer Gov Patterson, I mean cheerio, pip pip (That a British accent)

Also Gov Patterson told all his business on the local news station NY1. The guy who interviewed him was shocked. He asked the Governor if he smoked marijuana. The Governor replies, "Yes." Then the host asks about cocaine. The Gov then replies, "Yes." The news guy was in such shock he asked the Gov if he heard him right. 'You sure you want to say yes to this sh!t I'm asking you?' To which the Governor replied 'no doubt.'

I thought in the black community we were down with the stop snitching movement, now it seems we are down with stop snitching unless you're going to snitch on yourself before someone else find out. It seems that if you come out and tell on yourself then you get forgiven or even better a free pass. So in line with that I once looked at a homeless lady's boobs. For whatever reason she popped them out and I did look. Perhaps I need rehab.

Yeah so in the 3rd grade I pulled Sally's hair, then in the 5th grade I stole a Now-N-Later from the corner store. Ummm what else can I tell you I did wrong?