Monday, June 30, 2008

My Neighborhood's a changin'

So this morning I wake up and headed out to the gym at 7 AM. I open the front door to my brownstone and there sits a drunk dude on the stoop with a little booze in a snapple bottle. He asks me if I live in the first floor apartment. I say I do and I ask why. (Already to much information given to a person who could be a potential problem) He says because he used to know a girl who lived in that apartment, then he asked me if I knew the people who lived there before me. I say yes but say it was not a woman (It was a French woman and an English dude with two kids who were dirty as hell.) I know it sounds like I should not even engage this dude, but I want to try to get a feeling for where he is mentally and if my family is in danger.

So after talking to him, I leave, and call the cops. (The 311 operator seemed like she did not want to be bothered, but the 911 operator was like "I'll send a car right away") But the key to showing how my neighborhood has changed is the cops showed up in about 15 minutes. In the past the cops would not come to your house unless you told them another cop was shot or they heard a crime being commited while you were on the phone.

I think it also might have helped my case when I left my name with the police. Click HERE to see how.

PS - the 311 operator asked me if the homeless man was black, spanish, or white.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Second Comedy Central bit uploaded

I sat in my living room and watched my TV debut with my wife, my brother-in-law, his wife, her sister, and her mother. I was worried that my in-law's in-laws would be offended, but they weren't. I even got a funny card that played "Whoop there is it"!

It's wierd watching yourself on TV; you sound funny, you look funny (or as my father in-law said I looked fat!), and you're watching yourself. I wish I got more airtime (but then again what comic doesn't) but I was happy with what was shown. Here's another clip from the show. Next time I'm going to try to do some mother-in-law jokes, at her request of course.


RIP George Carlin


I was going to put up a post about how my TV debut went, but that seems like crap when compared to the fact George Carlin passed away on Sunday of heart failure. You see as a kid I was not allowed to watch Mr. Carlin perform, as he was a "blue" comic (blue means they say dirty words) and my parents were/are super religious. So I was not able to see his comedy until I was older and away from prying eyes.

Carlin was blue, but there was a method to it. He did not say dirty words for the sake of just shock value. Although some of his routines where meant to shock, they shocked you into thinking. His comedy was full of "ah ha moments" that made you laugh and re-examine your own beliefs and viewpoints. He wielded curse words like a surgeon, and those who follow him tend to use them like a sledge hammer. He will be missed.

Here is Carlin's famous 7 words you can't say on television


Here is Carlin on The View being a grumpy old man, I laughed out loud when I saw this. I wasn't working a day job at the time and set my alarmm to watch The View and Carlin did not let me down.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Dog the Bounty Hunter

I hate that man as can be seen in my blog HERE. He was kicked of the air for making a very hateful tirade about his son's black girlfriend. He tried to make his son stop dating her because she was black, he dropped a few N bombs, and not in the friendly N Bomb way. It was much worse than anything Michael Richards or Don Imus ever said. It is safe to say "Dog" is a racist. Over a four months ago I sent an email to A&E saying I would not watch their station anymore, and I haven't (my wife still watches Intervention). Here is the reponse I got from them TODAY.

Dear Viewer:
Thank you for your email. We take your concerns very seriously. Over the last few months, Duane "Dog" Chapman has taken and continues to take the appropriate steps in reaching out to several African American organizations in an effort to educate himself and make amends for his comments. The decision to bring Dog the Bounty Hunter back on the air was one made after much consideration and conversations with many community leaders. Since the premise of Dog the Bounty Hunter is about second chances - we have decided to give him one. We truly feel that the time is right for Dog and his team to return to the air. Thank you

Best,
A&E Viewer Relations


The truth is A&E needs "Dog", he's their highest rated show. They also don't really care about black people, as none of their programs are geared towards African Americans, so don't try to package it as a "second chance". Personally, if I ever see "Dog" I will have afew words for him. I smell a comedy sketch coming.

Tonight's the night!

Tonight I make my comedy television debut! 10 PM Comedy Central's Live at Gotham.
So while you're enjoying my comedy along with the comedy of the other people on the show I'll be at my house watching it with my wife, and her brother and his wife, and his in-laws worrying more about if they will be offended by my jokes instead of relaxing and enjoying my once in a life time TV debut. But I hear the bought me a present, hopefully X Box 360. Good times.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Are parents really that scared?

While I searched the internet for a picture of the girl from Aeon FLux who has hands for feet, I came accross a site for parents that gives the low down on every movie and warns them about things that might upset their children in the movie. I think that's a good idea in theory, I mean you have a rating system in place, and although it is far from perfect you have an idea of what a movie will contain based on the rating received.

The site goes into specific stuff about each movie. The one note that caught my eye on Aeon Flux was a section on "Disrepectful/Bad Attidudes"

Here's a snipppit:

DISRESPECTFUL/BAD ATTITUDE
*We learn that Oren is the one who tried to have his brother killed (via an unknowing Aeon) and that since that didn't work, he's now attempting to orchestrate a coup. We also learn that he's killed (or had killed) anyone in the city who's become pregnant by natural means.
*Those working for him also have bad attitudes.
*Some viewers could see the rebels as having bad attitudes for their actions, but they're portrayed in the movie as the "good guys."


Who would have ever thought that workers have bad attitudes? Perhaps we should keep our kids out of the post office as well.
"I'm smiling on the outside, but on the inside I'm plotting to poop in your mailbox

Clothes wars

My wife wears my clothes sometimes, and I hate it. Partly because it dirties up clothes that I could wear, partly because it stretches my shirts out (Although I work out my pecks are nowhere near as big as my wife's) but mostly on principle. I don't wear her clothes.

Last night she took it to the next level. She was lying on the couch and got cold. There was a hoody of mine on the chair next to her. Instead of getting a blanket (or asking me to get her one as is the norm) she takes my hoody and puts it on. Not too bad right? Well here’s the kicker, she put my hoody on as pants! That's right, she put each leg through a sleeve and then put the hood over her stomach. I say too far.

My wife didn’t see the big deal.

The only person who should wear hoodies as pants

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Vermin conspire against me

So I killed that roach yesterday, and I'm proud of it. His friends though, seek revenge.

I come into work today only to find a mouse chewed into my brand new bag of cereal (That's $3.49 worth of cereal!). This means war.

"So I tottally ate Josh's cereal!"
"Well I pooped on his keyboard!"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Pride goeth before a fall

This morning I went for a run at the gym. As I went into the locker room there was a huge roach (about the size of a silver dollar) just chilling on the wall. I walked past it.

I ran then came back to the locker room to drop of my iPod, there sat the roach.

I came back to the locker room after I finish working out, the roach is still there.

I shower, get dressed and walk out, and there he sits. So I killed him.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Best Line of the Day

I subscribe to a conservative newsletter (know your enemy type thing) and it is always funny, extremely biased, usually has no factual evidence to support any claims made, and always refers to Obama using all three of his names.

The funniest line came today in a newsletter about how global warming is a tool of liberals to make laws that control your life:

Hurricanes are not getting worse – our tendency to build houses in their path is getting greater

Surreal

I checked my DVR to make sure it was set to tape my TV debut this Friday, and I saw my name on the TV. It feels weird.


Thursday, June 12, 2008

Hulkin out!

So my wife is pregnant. We didn't tell too many people until we got out of that shakey first trimester.

In any event my wife is very hormonal. Over the weekend we had a huge fight. It started like this. My wife gets out of the shower and asks me to put lotion on her back. I agree. I reach for thet lotion and my wife says, "Not that F*CKING lotion!" She's angry for no reason. Then she's crying for no reason. Then she's very loving, then she punches me in the balls. All this in less than 60 seconds.

Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, or happy, or sad.



Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know who you will get.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I just did something I have never ever done before

I bought a pair of running shoes for running. I grew up poor so my "play shoes" were just my old shoes. This is a big step for a dude who my wife says acts just like the dad from Everybody Hates Chris.

What does she know? Last night she wasted $.32 worth of electricity.

Sitcom wars

I love the sitcom The Golden Girls. It is a classic; well written, fleshed out real characters, great subject matter, it's just phenomenal all around.

Thank you for being a friend

Bea Arthur's comedic timing is some of the best of all time. Estelle Getty is so good in this show I forgave her for Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. Rue McClanahan was the sexiest woman over 60 for a long time (too bad she can't be the sexiest woman over 80). Betty White is still hilarious, check out her many appearances on Conan and other show that she still does till this day. I've seen every episoide of the show and they're all classics.

My wife however loves the sitcom Designing Women, which I personally think is the worst sitcom of all time. I've been forced to watch this vile excuse for comedy on more than one occasion. The jokes are weak, you see the punches coming a mile away, the comedy is all based on stereotypes and it's just not funny. But you can't tell my wife anything. She says it's a show that highlights strong southern women, which it does, just not in a funny way. I also think the show makes a mockery of black dudes, as the only black charter on the show is an ex con who is a closet homosexual (not saying that there is anything wrong with that) and any of the black guest characters happen to be criminals too (check out the episode where the kid who was being mentored by them steals, it's an instant classic).

This show about strong women kicked a character off because the actor got too fat! That's feminism in action.

In short, I hate Nick at Night for putting this show back on the air and thereby making sure my life can never be calm. I curse you Nick at Night and all th epeople in TV Land!

Someone tried to pick a fight with me this morning

So this morning head head off to the subway a little before 7 AM so I can go to the gym before work. I am in my shorts, a Budweiser t shirt and I have my gym bag in one hand and a button up shirt in the other.

As I am walking to the spot where I wait, a dude in a wife beater is walking towards me. Our eyes meet, and he stairs at me so I look back at him. It's New York and you never know when a crazy might pop off.

He walks down the track, then turns around and comes back to me. The following exchange takes place:

Wife Beater: Do you know me?

Me: What?

Wife Beater: I said do you know me? Cuz you were looking at me like you know me.

Me: What? I don't know you.

Wife Beater: You were stairing at me pretty hard as I walked up. I'm saying, you look like the last dude I fought, I box, and you look like the last guy I fought. Yeah you look like him.

Me: Well I'm not him.

Wife Beater: So you don't know me. You know what I'm saying?

Me: No I don't know what you're saying, because I don't know you.

Wife Beater: Oh Ok. I guess we can just leave it like that then.

Me: I guess we can.


He walks up the track and the well dressed guy next to me who saw all this happen, just looked at me and we laughed. Wife Beater walks down the track and stairs at me until the train comes. I look him dead in the eye, I know if I look away or look scared he will come back. He mumbles loud enough so I can hear that I look like the last guy he boxed (He mentioned he boxed at least 4 times in the two minute exchange). I smile at him. Maybe not the smartest thing to do, but honestly I could have taken Wife Beater in a fight. He was 5 fot 6 inches (maybe) and looked to weigh about 135 lbs. I'm 6 foot 1 inch and weigh 215 lbs. I work out 4 times a week, and have studied marital arts for a few years, plus it's every dude's dream to be in the right and beat someone up.

Monday, June 2, 2008

My Wife and Stand Up Comedy

So this weekend, while out eating my wife and I started to talk about stand up comedy. My wife is a huge fan, and one could say a comedy snob. She knows what she likes, what she doesn't and she is very vocal about it (this vocal nature is not limited to comedy as future posts will illustrate).

We started talking about minorities in comedy, and she focused on woman. She says that all her friends want a strong woman comic but there are really none out there. A female comic who does not rely on her looks nor spends all her time talking about her lady parts. She then hit me with this gem, "Sara Silverman! Please. Saying inappropriate things while looking cute for shock value? I did that when I was 5, she's copying me." Comedy snob or the truest words ever spoke?