I take the subway to work every morning. If I am not on the train with my wife, I listen to my iPod. I try not to have the volume turned up too high as anyone who has taken Physics 101 can tell you the close proximity of the speaker to your actual ear drum is not good. If I can clearly hear the song on your iPod over my music, I am willing to bet good money you will be deaf in a few years.
If other countries want to defeat us, they need not build up strong military arsenals or even attack us financially; all they need do is release a Britney Spears pop song with a heavy bass track.
Soon our enemies over seas (I'm talking to you Yugoslavia) will be able to talk amongst themselves, and we will not even be able to hear.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
A-Rod and steroids
Oh God, another baseball player on steroids? I have a joke about this in my act.
First all who really cares? It's a sport. There are more important things that could be covered in the news, like Spitzer's weird sex habits or maybe a war that's been going on for over 5 years.
Second, there is a huge discrepancy on how we view drugs in this country. People are so angry at these baseball stars because they feel they cheated by using substances to enhance their performance. Really? Cuz the last time I check Viagra has TV commercials, and that drunk enhances your performance (you might not even have a performance without it).
Third, if you want to start taking people out the Halls of Fame for drug use that enhanced their performances then start with Pink Floyd. If it was not for drugs they’d be a Beatles cover band, because we all know the Beatles believed in drugs.
Lastly, I think baseball stars (and sports stars in general) should be required to take drugs. I don't want to pay $50 for tickets, then another $50 for beer and hotdogs only to see some dude ground out to first. I want to see him do things I can't. I can strike out, what I can't do it hit a homerun. I want to see a dude hit the ball so hard that it creates a sonic boom and kills all the birds near the stadium, then the ball keeps going and hits the Goodyear blip and it explodes, and rains fire down on the bleachers. That's worth the cost of admission, a strike out is not.
I would support a baseball player getting a metal arm and a Terminator eye. I'd pay money to see that freak show. If a dude rolled onto the field with the torso of a man and the lower half of a tank, I'd wait over night for tickets. If Randy Johnson AKA The Big Unit cut his arm off and replaced it with an actual canon, not only would I watch ever game I'd watch the surgery. I think what baseball is missing is Cyborgs.
If this guy was on the Mets, I'd actually watch a game
First all who really cares? It's a sport. There are more important things that could be covered in the news, like Spitzer's weird sex habits or maybe a war that's been going on for over 5 years.
Second, there is a huge discrepancy on how we view drugs in this country. People are so angry at these baseball stars because they feel they cheated by using substances to enhance their performance. Really? Cuz the last time I check Viagra has TV commercials, and that drunk enhances your performance (you might not even have a performance without it).
Third, if you want to start taking people out the Halls of Fame for drug use that enhanced their performances then start with Pink Floyd. If it was not for drugs they’d be a Beatles cover band, because we all know the Beatles believed in drugs.
Lastly, I think baseball stars (and sports stars in general) should be required to take drugs. I don't want to pay $50 for tickets, then another $50 for beer and hotdogs only to see some dude ground out to first. I want to see him do things I can't. I can strike out, what I can't do it hit a homerun. I want to see a dude hit the ball so hard that it creates a sonic boom and kills all the birds near the stadium, then the ball keeps going and hits the Goodyear blip and it explodes, and rains fire down on the bleachers. That's worth the cost of admission, a strike out is not.
I would support a baseball player getting a metal arm and a Terminator eye. I'd pay money to see that freak show. If a dude rolled onto the field with the torso of a man and the lower half of a tank, I'd wait over night for tickets. If Randy Johnson AKA The Big Unit cut his arm off and replaced it with an actual canon, not only would I watch ever game I'd watch the surgery. I think what baseball is missing is Cyborgs.
So I have a cold
I've had a cough for about two weeks now. I attribute it to one guy in my office that has a new cold every Monday which he passes on to us all.
My wife is sick of me coughing, and she finds it annoying. She wants me to go to the doctor or start taking some over the counter stuff so she doesn't have to hear me yack up green mucus in the morning. I'm not anti-doctor, but I'm not pro-doctor either. I think God made a pretty good machine when he made the human body, and I think that by beating illness on my own it makes my body more capable of fending off disease. (Now if I get cancer, like my mom, my uncles, etc. then you best believe I'm changing my tune)
Suck on two of these goat penises
and call me in the moring
My thought process is this: my body has to beat it on its own. I have to build up my immune system for when the super bug comes out. I want to be Will Smith in I Am Legend without needlessly blowing myself up. I think that all the people who use the germ killing lotions like Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer are hurting themselves in the long run. You're body was made to fight off infection, and the more infections you fight off the better your system gets. It's like lifting weights.
Poor people can't afford (or don't waste their money on) Purell or a bunch of antibiotics. So when the super flu comes, poor people will be ready, rich people will die in a vat of Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer while looking up the super flu on Web MD.
You think a cold, tetanus or even a gun shot can stop these kids? Behold the future
I figure if I can live then I can rule the poor people. That's the reasoning behind me not going to the doctor or using a bunch of meds. It's all part of my plan to rule the world.
My wife is sick of me coughing, and she finds it annoying. She wants me to go to the doctor or start taking some over the counter stuff so she doesn't have to hear me yack up green mucus in the morning. I'm not anti-doctor, but I'm not pro-doctor either. I think God made a pretty good machine when he made the human body, and I think that by beating illness on my own it makes my body more capable of fending off disease. (Now if I get cancer, like my mom, my uncles, etc. then you best believe I'm changing my tune)
and call me in the moring
My thought process is this: my body has to beat it on its own. I have to build up my immune system for when the super bug comes out. I want to be Will Smith in I Am Legend without needlessly blowing myself up. I think that all the people who use the germ killing lotions like Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer are hurting themselves in the long run. You're body was made to fight off infection, and the more infections you fight off the better your system gets. It's like lifting weights.
Poor people can't afford (or don't waste their money on) Purell or a bunch of antibiotics. So when the super flu comes, poor people will be ready, rich people will die in a vat of Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer while looking up the super flu on Web MD.
I figure if I can live then I can rule the poor people. That's the reasoning behind me not going to the doctor or using a bunch of meds. It's all part of my plan to rule the world.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Fighting the power
Eff da police son! Here is a letter I sent to the parking tickets unit for a bogus ticket I got.
Parking Violations Hearing BY Mail Unit
P.O. Box 29021
Brooklyn, NY 11202-9021
RE: Parking Ticket # 7545xxxxx-x
To Whom It May Concern:
On March 12th I received a parking ticket for what the tickets states as “No Parking (d) DAYS/HRS: ALL DAYS/7A – 4P”. However, I was clearly parked directly under a sign that read “No Parking 9:30 AM – 11 AM Tues & Fri“. This section of the street is not in the school loading zone and cars routinely park here. Since I just purchased this car from my father-in-law and the plates have not switched over to New York yet, I feel that I was targeted for a ticket that has no merit. The sign I parked directly under (even indicated on the ticket as opposite xx xxxxxx) does not show a school loading zone restriction.
Please review the pictures which show both the sign I parked under, as well as the area surrounding the sign. I have also included in the group of pictures a photograph of a sign further down the road where the actual school loading zone is.
Here is a list of pictures included.
1. Picture of location from across the street
2. Picture of location from center of the street
3. Picture of sign directly behind where my car was parked
4. Picture of actual sign
5. Picture of car, sign, and xx xxxxxx Street (address is blurry)
6. Closer picture of xx xxxxxx Street (address is seen clearly)
7. Picture of sign further up the street where the loading zone is (I was NOT parked here)
Thank you for your time,
Josh Homer
xx xxxx Ave, Apt xxx
Brooklyn, NY 11xxx
Daytime phone: (212) xxx-xxxx
This is the sign I was parked under on a Wed morning
Parking Violations Hearing BY Mail Unit
P.O. Box 29021
Brooklyn, NY 11202-9021
RE: Parking Ticket # 7545xxxxx-x
To Whom It May Concern:
On March 12th I received a parking ticket for what the tickets states as “No Parking (d) DAYS/HRS: ALL DAYS/7A – 4P”. However, I was clearly parked directly under a sign that read “No Parking 9:30 AM – 11 AM Tues & Fri“. This section of the street is not in the school loading zone and cars routinely park here. Since I just purchased this car from my father-in-law and the plates have not switched over to New York yet, I feel that I was targeted for a ticket that has no merit. The sign I parked directly under (even indicated on the ticket as opposite xx xxxxxx) does not show a school loading zone restriction.
Please review the pictures which show both the sign I parked under, as well as the area surrounding the sign. I have also included in the group of pictures a photograph of a sign further down the road where the actual school loading zone is.
Here is a list of pictures included.
1. Picture of location from across the street
2. Picture of location from center of the street
3. Picture of sign directly behind where my car was parked
4. Picture of actual sign
5. Picture of car, sign, and xx xxxxxx Street (address is blurry)
6. Closer picture of xx xxxxxx Street (address is seen clearly)
7. Picture of sign further up the street where the loading zone is (I was NOT parked here)
Thank you for your time,
Josh Homer
xx xxxx Ave, Apt xxx
Brooklyn, NY 11xxx
Daytime phone: (212) xxx-xxxx
Question
Does anyone who wears a wig actually think they're fooling anyone?
The question is do the curtains match the carpet?
Monday, March 24, 2008
They Really Reptiles Y'all
So I filmed an Obama commercial on Saturday, nothing major. I'm actually in a group of 5 people reciting lines.
The fun came after my commercial shoot. The asked to do some interviews regarding politics, Barack Obama, and just the stats of things in the US in general. They also wanted to pair us up with the people we did the commercial shoot with. There were three women (2 black, and 1 white) in my shoot and a white dude. They paired him up with a small black girl, to show diversity. They paired me up with the white girl, not for diversity but because the other girl left.
While we are waiting to go into the room for the interview, the girl, let's say her name is Joan, tells me she is not sure about doing it. "They're going to ask us politics stuff right?" I assumed they would as this shoot was about Barack Obama. "Well I'm not really into politics; I study more the Illuminati, and what's really going on." Oh Really? "I've studied their movements and stuff for the past 10 years, so I'm into what's happening." I thought to myself, "We are in for a wild ride."
We go into the room, slate the camera, and get ready. They have 5 questions to ask us. Since I've done a few interviews I know what they are looking for: sound bites and things that reinforce the views of the commercial copy. My partner in the interview had no clue.
First off Joan was gorgeous, I say this because I attribute this fact as to why she gets away with talking about Illuminati and no one calls her on it. I can honestly say sometimes when she talked I did not hear her, I just looked at her face and thought "God damn!"
So I do my questions, she does hers. We're about 3 questions in and no illuminati talk so I think I am home safe. Never assume. The question was what about Obama's political views makes you like him. I replied with an answer about how his is a politician by trade but his simplicity in the solutions he offers reflect that he is not a politician in his heart (more cheese please). She replies, "I don't really know his politics, but I've watched the debates and his speeches [first off if you watched the debates and speeches you should know his politics], but I am good at feeling people out. His aura and his energy come to me through the screen, I can feel him." Here we go. She starts talking about his soul and how it speaks to her, I looked at her and my jaw dropped.
She then goes and says she hopes the powers that be let him accomplish his goals, because the Illuminati run everything. They practice human sacrifice and drink human blood. The camera man cut me a look as if to ask if we were a couple. I shook my head "Hell no." The woman interviewer's eyes darted back and forth from me to my sexy but crazy interview partner. Finally Joan realizes she is rambling and says, "You're going to edit this out, right?" The interviewer replies, "No doubt."
They shut the camera off and Joan says that she had to be careful of what she said because the Illuminati are out there, that they drink human blood, and then she drops the bomb on us all. She says, "You know they really reptiles y'all?" WTF? Without batting an eye the interviewer says, "Girl you're so crazy. I haven't heard that reptiles thing in about 5 years." The cameraman laughed.
I left the studio, there were celebrities there that people were fawning over, but I really don't care about celebrity (except to make fun of it). As I am running out the door the cameraman is taking a cigarette break. He yells out to me as I walk off, "Remember........ they're reptiles"
Diana from V or Illuminati? You decide.
The fun came after my commercial shoot. The asked to do some interviews regarding politics, Barack Obama, and just the stats of things in the US in general. They also wanted to pair us up with the people we did the commercial shoot with. There were three women (2 black, and 1 white) in my shoot and a white dude. They paired him up with a small black girl, to show diversity. They paired me up with the white girl, not for diversity but because the other girl left.
While we are waiting to go into the room for the interview, the girl, let's say her name is Joan, tells me she is not sure about doing it. "They're going to ask us politics stuff right?" I assumed they would as this shoot was about Barack Obama. "Well I'm not really into politics; I study more the Illuminati, and what's really going on." Oh Really? "I've studied their movements and stuff for the past 10 years, so I'm into what's happening." I thought to myself, "We are in for a wild ride."
We go into the room, slate the camera, and get ready. They have 5 questions to ask us. Since I've done a few interviews I know what they are looking for: sound bites and things that reinforce the views of the commercial copy. My partner in the interview had no clue.
First off Joan was gorgeous, I say this because I attribute this fact as to why she gets away with talking about Illuminati and no one calls her on it. I can honestly say sometimes when she talked I did not hear her, I just looked at her face and thought "God damn!"
So I do my questions, she does hers. We're about 3 questions in and no illuminati talk so I think I am home safe. Never assume. The question was what about Obama's political views makes you like him. I replied with an answer about how his is a politician by trade but his simplicity in the solutions he offers reflect that he is not a politician in his heart (more cheese please). She replies, "I don't really know his politics, but I've watched the debates and his speeches [first off if you watched the debates and speeches you should know his politics], but I am good at feeling people out. His aura and his energy come to me through the screen, I can feel him." Here we go. She starts talking about his soul and how it speaks to her, I looked at her and my jaw dropped.
She then goes and says she hopes the powers that be let him accomplish his goals, because the Illuminati run everything. They practice human sacrifice and drink human blood. The camera man cut me a look as if to ask if we were a couple. I shook my head "Hell no." The woman interviewer's eyes darted back and forth from me to my sexy but crazy interview partner. Finally Joan realizes she is rambling and says, "You're going to edit this out, right?" The interviewer replies, "No doubt."
They shut the camera off and Joan says that she had to be careful of what she said because the Illuminati are out there, that they drink human blood, and then she drops the bomb on us all. She says, "You know they really reptiles y'all?" WTF? Without batting an eye the interviewer says, "Girl you're so crazy. I haven't heard that reptiles thing in about 5 years." The cameraman laughed.
I left the studio, there were celebrities there that people were fawning over, but I really don't care about celebrity (except to make fun of it). As I am running out the door the cameraman is taking a cigarette break. He yells out to me as I walk off, "Remember........ they're reptiles"
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Thank God I'm Black
That way it's a guarunteed I will be a famous comic. If you don't believe me take Pauly Shore's word for it (who by the way gets stage time in LA because his mom owns the club, not for his talent.) YOu tell them Weeeezzzle!
Oh the racism, it hurts
So I did an open mic last night and a comic did the following joke, which got applause.
So did everyone see the Obama speech? Did you see the very end? Obama said, "I can't wait to knock the bottom off some white bitches"
Yes that's what Obama said, and I think Hilary said, "Oh my period is crazy" then McCain said, "I've fallen and I can't get up."
This "comic's" joke offended me for a few reasons. Number 1 it's based in racism, and not the good kind. Number 2 the audience laughed, come on guys that wasn’t even a real joke. Number 3 the joke is lazy, you're basically relying on preexisting stereotypes. Furthermoew if you think Obama who was the first black president of the Harvard Law Review did not already "bang the bottom off some white bitches" then you are very nieve. Man, I hate comics.
So did everyone see the Obama speech? Did you see the very end? Obama said, "I can't wait to knock the bottom off some white bitches"
Yes that's what Obama said, and I think Hilary said, "Oh my period is crazy" then McCain said, "I've fallen and I can't get up."
This "comic's" joke offended me for a few reasons. Number 1 it's based in racism, and not the good kind. Number 2 the audience laughed, come on guys that wasn’t even a real joke. Number 3 the joke is lazy, you're basically relying on preexisting stereotypes. Furthermoew if you think Obama who was the first black president of the Harvard Law Review did not already "bang the bottom off some white bitches" then you are very nieve. Man, I hate comics.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Obama
So I am auditioning for a commercial for the man who shares my name tomorrow night. I do what I can to help support light skinned black dudes, we got to stick together. Light Black Actors.
Conversation with my wife
While discussing some money that is owed to my wife by her job and when it's coming to her we had the following exchange.
Wife: That's a nice chunk of change to put away
Me: That can buy a wii and an xbox 360
Wife: That's why i'm obsessed with [Client X] paying
Wife: If you buy a new xbox, can you donate the old one then?
Me: Donate? poor people don't need xbox!
Wife: I just don't want all these gaming systems cluttering our house and why wouldn't poor people want xbox, it would be better than having the kids on the streets
Bless my wife's heart. She means well but it's obvious she has never really been poor. I could donate the XBox to the Salvation Army and they would sell it for 1/4 of what it's worth and then give the $25 to the poor. However I doubt homeless Bob needs to play Halo. Maybe I would need to donate my TV as well, and perhaps an extension cord. Someone else will have to donate the electricity.
Wife: That's a nice chunk of change to put away
Me: That can buy a wii and an xbox 360
Wife: That's why i'm obsessed with [Client X] paying
Wife: If you buy a new xbox, can you donate the old one then?
Me: Donate? poor people don't need xbox!
Wife: I just don't want all these gaming systems cluttering our house and why wouldn't poor people want xbox, it would be better than having the kids on the streets
Bless my wife's heart. She means well but it's obvious she has never really been poor. I could donate the XBox to the Salvation Army and they would sell it for 1/4 of what it's worth and then give the $25 to the poor. However I doubt homeless Bob needs to play Halo. Maybe I would need to donate my TV as well, and perhaps an extension cord. Someone else will have to donate the electricity.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Only in New York City 2
While walking to pick up my lunch from whole foods (the spot where this took place CLICK) an ambulance comes. It's sirens are loud, it;s lights are flashing but cars are not moving out of it's way, in particular the taxis DGAF (that stands for don't give a f$&K). This causes the ambulance to get even louder.
I am walking and a kid screws out, "Enough already with the noise, just let the dude die already." Only in New York.
I am walking and a kid screws out, "Enough already with the noise, just let the dude die already." Only in New York.
Double standard
So I've wanted an XBOX 360 for a while now. I need to finish out the Halo trilogy. My wife has always given me crap for it. She says I'm an adult and shouldn't play video games, or we can't afford an XBOX 360 (which is a total lie), or some crap like that. But I will get one, it's just a matter of time (maybe I'll spen my Comedy Central money on it! Looks like I might get a plasma TV and a 360 with MY money.)
Here's the double standard: my wife wants to get a Wii! She wants me to buy one and asked me to pick it up. That's some BS if you ask me. The Wii even costs more. Now I hear from many people that the Wii is great and the physical activity needed to play the games sets it apart from others (Back to the Future II quote: You mean you have to use your hands? That's like a baby's toy! Shout out to Joe Jessup).
It is true what Sir Paul McCartney said during his divorce hearings, "No one tells the wife what to do." As proof Heather Mills poured water on Paul's lawyer after she was awarded $50 Million in the divorce. I wonder if his lawyer will sue, personally I would have swung on her. Now I'm not pro woman beating, but pouring water on you is preety bad, unless it's in a rap video and you're getting paid for it. I would have kicked Heather's wooden leg out from under her. But I digress, the $50 million is a lot of money for 4 years of marraige. Thats about $1,400 an hour for the entire time they were married. That could buy a lot of XBOX 360s or at least some Wii's.
Heather now that you actually have money of your own what are you going to do?
I'm going to play Dance Dance revolution!
Get off on the good foot!
Here's the double standard: my wife wants to get a Wii! She wants me to buy one and asked me to pick it up. That's some BS if you ask me. The Wii even costs more. Now I hear from many people that the Wii is great and the physical activity needed to play the games sets it apart from others (Back to the Future II quote: You mean you have to use your hands? That's like a baby's toy! Shout out to Joe Jessup).
It is true what Sir Paul McCartney said during his divorce hearings, "No one tells the wife what to do." As proof Heather Mills poured water on Paul's lawyer after she was awarded $50 Million in the divorce. I wonder if his lawyer will sue, personally I would have swung on her. Now I'm not pro woman beating, but pouring water on you is preety bad, unless it's in a rap video and you're getting paid for it. I would have kicked Heather's wooden leg out from under her. But I digress, the $50 million is a lot of money for 4 years of marraige. Thats about $1,400 an hour for the entire time they were married. That could buy a lot of XBOX 360s or at least some Wii's.
I'm going to play Dance Dance revolution!
Get off on the good foot!
Back from Virginia
Guess who's back? Me. I went to Springfield VA to visit my niece for the first time. She's three months old. Now before you go and say I'm a bad uncle let me just say we tried to get down there as soon as the kid was born. Then our car broke down (the water pump went out), then I had to film some TV stuff. Let's just say lots of stuff happened all at once.
Anyway, here's some pics of my neice.
My raw beauty made her cry
She was sleepy, but still had a kung fu grip
At 3 months she has reverse male pattern baldness
I hope my wife doesn't get any ideas.
Babies are dream killers
What babies do best.
It was a good trip. I got to see the new family addition and my brother's 54 inch plasma TV, which he has a PS3 hooked up to it (that means Blu-Ray DVDs, which BTW have amazing picture quality). He has a full home theater system hooked up. I'm not trying to take anything away from the kid, miracle of life and all, but the TV was amazing and it didn't throw up on my shirt.
Anyway, here's some pics of my neice.
Babies are dream killers
It was a good trip. I got to see the new family addition and my brother's 54 inch plasma TV, which he has a PS3 hooked up to it (that means Blu-Ray DVDs, which BTW have amazing picture quality). He has a full home theater system hooked up. I'm not trying to take anything away from the kid, miracle of life and all, but the TV was amazing and it didn't throw up on my shirt.
Friday, March 14, 2008
The Chris Rock Tapes
I'm not talking about Big Ass Jokes, Bigger and Blacker or even Bring the Pain. I'm talking about the 31 minute tape of Chris Rock talking to a private investigator about the woman who tried to set him up.
Here's the backstory. Chris Rock and his wife were seperated for a minute. During that time he slept with a woman (a white woman), who wiped his "DNA" off with a tissue then put it in the freezer for a year, and then got impregnated by her African boyfriend and claimed the little mixed baby was Rock's.
The bad news is Rock actually paid the woman some money to keep her quite at first, but when she demanded more he refused. She then went to the police and claimed Rock raped her. Ouch!
How much for a baby? $50,000?!?!?!
Ok OK, how bout this put it in my hand for 15 cent.
Accussing a dude of rape because he did not pay out in your extortion scheme is pretty low. Even the mention of the word rape can end someone's career. Oh well, it seems that celebrity brings drama, or as they say on the streets, "Mo money, mo problems."
Personally I can't wait for the day that white women everywhere throw themselves at me. I'd be like, "Hell no, I'm married but I'm also sleeping with Salma Hayek." Because my wife says I can. Salma call me.
I leave you with some highlights of the Rock tapes.
Rock: I know the night we went to the Ivy she had on white pants. I only noticed cause my wife's real classy and subdued and I'm out with a girl with big tits and white pants. It's just, I know people were like, 'heeey'.
PI (reading from police report): "He tried to pull out and ejaculated on her thighs. She immediately got up and went to the bathroom where she cleaned up with a Kleenex. She put the Kleenex in her pocket."
Rock: I've been so set up...[Josh Note: What was your first clue? Was it the kleenex in the freezer or the model that wanted to sleep with Chris Rock?]
PI: Did you come on her thighs?...
Rock: I had a rubber on. I probably took it off right when I was getting ready to come. I probably came on her ass. [Josh Note: Imagine having to say this in court, in front of your wife]
Here's the backstory. Chris Rock and his wife were seperated for a minute. During that time he slept with a woman (a white woman), who wiped his "DNA" off with a tissue then put it in the freezer for a year, and then got impregnated by her African boyfriend and claimed the little mixed baby was Rock's.
The bad news is Rock actually paid the woman some money to keep her quite at first, but when she demanded more he refused. She then went to the police and claimed Rock raped her. Ouch!
Ok OK, how bout this put it in my hand for 15 cent.
Accussing a dude of rape because he did not pay out in your extortion scheme is pretty low. Even the mention of the word rape can end someone's career. Oh well, it seems that celebrity brings drama, or as they say on the streets, "Mo money, mo problems."
Personally I can't wait for the day that white women everywhere throw themselves at me. I'd be like, "Hell no, I'm married but I'm also sleeping with Salma Hayek." Because my wife says I can. Salma call me.
I leave you with some highlights of the Rock tapes.
Rock: I know the night we went to the Ivy she had on white pants. I only noticed cause my wife's real classy and subdued and I'm out with a girl with big tits and white pants. It's just, I know people were like, 'heeey'.
PI (reading from police report): "He tried to pull out and ejaculated on her thighs. She immediately got up and went to the bathroom where she cleaned up with a Kleenex. She put the Kleenex in her pocket."
Rock: I've been so set up...[Josh Note: What was your first clue? Was it the kleenex in the freezer or the model that wanted to sleep with Chris Rock?]
PI: Did you come on her thighs?...
Rock: I had a rubber on. I probably took it off right when I was getting ready to come. I probably came on her ass. [Josh Note: Imagine having to say this in court, in front of your wife]
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I hate Omarosa
For so many reasons, first she lied about someone calling her the N word on the Apprentice. That's really nothing to joke about, and crying wolf only hurts those who are actual victims of hate and hate related crimes. The best was when she was on Oprah and Oprah called her on it, backed her up into a corner and Omarosa basically admitted it did not happen but was called a bitch instead. Oprah's reply, "There is a big difference between bitch and that word."
In any event she has her age listed as 34! Really, because she looks at least 40. I am happy to say she is no longer on Celebrity Apprentice and to be honest she did not deserve to be there. She is not a celebrity. Worse she tried the same stuff that she did before: she insulted the contestants, she lied ("He called me a whore" which never happened.)
She also auditioned for the role of Leather Face
because she needed little make up
The worst part is when she got the boot, she does her little interview in the car as it drives her home and then finishes it off with "PEACE!" and throws up the deuces. WTF? You're53 34 why are you throwing up the deuce like a 17 year old? Sit your old hurting the struggle cry wolf coon ass down. Hopefully this woman can do her little Playboy spread (you know it's coming, but I doubt anyone wants to see that), and disappear forever.
I honestly think that everytime she does something stupid in some way she is hurting Obama! You know that minorities are all put in one big group, and she's hurting our group.
I'm about believing, she's bout be-weaving.
In any event she has her age listed as 34! Really, because she looks at least 40. I am happy to say she is no longer on Celebrity Apprentice and to be honest she did not deserve to be there. She is not a celebrity. Worse she tried the same stuff that she did before: she insulted the contestants, she lied ("He called me a whore" which never happened.)
because she needed little make up
The worst part is when she got the boot, she does her little interview in the car as it drives her home and then finishes it off with "PEACE!" and throws up the deuces. WTF? You're
I honestly think that everytime she does something stupid in some way she is hurting Obama! You know that minorities are all put in one big group, and she's hurting our group.
Only in New York City
So I'm walking from SoHo to the Lower East Side in Manhattan. The path leads me past Whole Foods, an "upscale" grocery that even has a singles night. As I am walking by I notice a man and woman arguing in front of the supermarket, well more him just yelling at her.
Dude: I can't believe you got some dudes number right in front of me!
Girl: He's a coworker, I wasn't trying to...
Dude: Bitch, you don't need no coworkers number!
He then mushes the girl in the face! The girl immediately walks away.
Remember Jigga and his infamous lady punch?
If that wasn't crazy enough a dude steps in. Now this guy is about 6 foot 5 inches tall, but more importantly he has what looks to be a 14 month old kid on his shoulders.
Tall Dude: Whoa buddy! There's no need for that.
Dude: Mind your own fucking business!
Tall Dude: This is my business, you're on the street.
Then the short hitter dude runs off, I can only assume he runs off to get his girl. The thing is you know this is not the first time he's given her a knuckle sandwich, so more than likely they are still together today. The crazy part was the kid on the shoulders. I can understand wanting to stand up for the girl, I mean I was going to say something but as I took my ear buds out my ear Tall Dad jumped in immediately. But he should have thought of that kid. If something did pop off, that little kid would have fallen from over 6 feet in the air. It would have been a wrap for your son, all for some chick who probably wouldn't have even cared.
Maybe the son was the spotter. "Dad look over there, it's injustice!" The kid is the brains and the father is the braun. It would have really been funny if a fight actually broke out and the dad used the little kid as a bat! Oh well. All I know is I was ready to do something if it did pop off. This is one of many street altercations I've seen in the city (The funniest was a fight on Canal St. between two African street venders. This one came to blows and a chair was used. It was like a WWE cage match).
Side Bar - Never try to break up a fight between couples. The end result is both of them start hitting you. I speak from experience.
Dude: I can't believe you got some dudes number right in front of me!
Girl: He's a coworker, I wasn't trying to...
Dude: Bitch, you don't need no coworkers number!
He then mushes the girl in the face! The girl immediately walks away.
If that wasn't crazy enough a dude steps in. Now this guy is about 6 foot 5 inches tall, but more importantly he has what looks to be a 14 month old kid on his shoulders.
Tall Dude: Whoa buddy! There's no need for that.
Dude: Mind your own fucking business!
Tall Dude: This is my business, you're on the street.
Then the short hitter dude runs off, I can only assume he runs off to get his girl. The thing is you know this is not the first time he's given her a knuckle sandwich, so more than likely they are still together today. The crazy part was the kid on the shoulders. I can understand wanting to stand up for the girl, I mean I was going to say something but as I took my ear buds out my ear Tall Dad jumped in immediately. But he should have thought of that kid. If something did pop off, that little kid would have fallen from over 6 feet in the air. It would have been a wrap for your son, all for some chick who probably wouldn't have even cared.
Maybe the son was the spotter. "Dad look over there, it's injustice!" The kid is the brains and the father is the braun. It would have really been funny if a fight actually broke out and the dad used the little kid as a bat! Oh well. All I know is I was ready to do something if it did pop off. This is one of many street altercations I've seen in the city (The funniest was a fight on Canal St. between two African street venders. This one came to blows and a chair was used. It was like a WWE cage match).
Side Bar - Never try to break up a fight between couples. The end result is both of them start hitting you. I speak from experience.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Maybe I will make it after all
This year I had to hire an accountant. It's not that I'm making a bunch of money on comedy (I'm still in the red), but because of all the special deductions I have now (home office, car, video equipment etc) from being a comic. I do earn some money, and I've actually earned more in 2008 so far than I earned in all of 2007.
The point is I go to my accountant and drop off my expences, bills, earnings etc and he asks me about comedy, what I'm doing, where can he see me, things like that. I tell him and he follows it up with, "You know that's how accountants get rich. They hook up with a client who is about to make it big and then bam, the accoutant is rich too. So Josh this will be your year, keep working on that sitcom." Nice.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Realization
It's very hard to follow all the rules of any religion. Except maybe Catholicism where you can break any rule then just confess. It's like dry snitching on yourself then given immunity. But I digress. The key is following any strict set of rules is hard. That's why there are so many religious lawyers.
When people break a religious rule they are quick to scan the bible, Q'aran, Talmud or whatever book they use to find a way to make sure their sin is either forgiven or that the religious book in question is either vague on the rule or there is an exception. Some people even look to put some blame on the big man upstairs. "Yeah I coveted my neighbor's wife, but man that bitch is fine. If God didn't want me looking he wouldn't have made her so tempting."
I say all this to point out that the main people who are following their religion religiously are people who are crazy. That man on the train screaming about how Jesus is good, probably is not cheating on his wife. That woman with the billboard in Times Square telling us to be ready because Jesus is coming back next Tuesday at 5:43 PM probably isn't a thief. The point is this, if you make it to heaven it's going to be filled with crazies. That dude who smells like fish ass and rotten milk but is on the street telling you to repent might be there. Me, not so much.
See you in heaven!
Then there are those who speak in tongues. Now I don't want to crap on anyone's religious views but really? Speaking in tongues? For those of you who don't know, speaking in tongues is when someone becomes so full of the Holy Spirit or gin, that they start shaking and talking in the language of God. It sounds like pure gobbledygook. The theory is God is speaking through them; the problem is no one can understand it but them. Now God is a pretty important guy, more important than Bill Gates or the guy who owns Ikea. So what he has to say is pretty damn important too. I'm sure he doesn't want his message to be misinterpreted. I mean what if a tongue speaker says, "wjogjhgjb juion sdf" and that means 'Be kind to your neighbor' but someone hears "wjoKUIJB juion sdf" which means "Kill your neighbor." Why doesn't God just say it in English, I'm pretty sure He knows English, and I think French too.
When he starts speaking in tongues people die
When people break a religious rule they are quick to scan the bible, Q'aran, Talmud or whatever book they use to find a way to make sure their sin is either forgiven or that the religious book in question is either vague on the rule or there is an exception. Some people even look to put some blame on the big man upstairs. "Yeah I coveted my neighbor's wife, but man that bitch is fine. If God didn't want me looking he wouldn't have made her so tempting."
I say all this to point out that the main people who are following their religion religiously are people who are crazy. That man on the train screaming about how Jesus is good, probably is not cheating on his wife. That woman with the billboard in Times Square telling us to be ready because Jesus is coming back next Tuesday at 5:43 PM probably isn't a thief. The point is this, if you make it to heaven it's going to be filled with crazies. That dude who smells like fish ass and rotten milk but is on the street telling you to repent might be there. Me, not so much.
Then there are those who speak in tongues. Now I don't want to crap on anyone's religious views but really? Speaking in tongues? For those of you who don't know, speaking in tongues is when someone becomes so full of the Holy Spirit or gin, that they start shaking and talking in the language of God. It sounds like pure gobbledygook. The theory is God is speaking through them; the problem is no one can understand it but them. Now God is a pretty important guy, more important than Bill Gates or the guy who owns Ikea. So what he has to say is pretty damn important too. I'm sure he doesn't want his message to be misinterpreted. I mean what if a tongue speaker says, "wjogjhgjb juion sdf" and that means 'Be kind to your neighbor' but someone hears "wjoKUIJB juion sdf" which means "Kill your neighbor." Why doesn't God just say it in English, I'm pretty sure He knows English, and I think French too.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
He might become a real Ghost!
Sad news guys: Patrick Swayze has cancer. The Enquirer (great news source) says he only has five weeks to live. Such as sad story. Swayze, whose name inspired the "urban" phrase "I'm Swayze." This phrase was used to mean "I'm leaving." It's derived from the phrase "I'm ghost."
Patrick Swayze: Urban Slang Legend
This is not the first time cancer has tried to take one of my childhood heroes. Perhaps you remember a little guy by the name of Mr. T! Yeah that's right, cancer tried to take him from this earth. However cancer made one mistake. When cancer almost had Mr. T beaten, it locked him up in a shed that had tools, old scuba tanks, and a tractor. During a montage scene while "Eye of the Tiger" played, the T built a huge machine that shot out telephone poles and ran cancer out of town. Hopefully Swayze can follow his lead.
It's T time, and by that I mean it's time for an ass whipping.
This is not the first time cancer has tried to take one of my childhood heroes. Perhaps you remember a little guy by the name of Mr. T! Yeah that's right, cancer tried to take him from this earth. However cancer made one mistake. When cancer almost had Mr. T beaten, it locked him up in a shed that had tools, old scuba tanks, and a tractor. During a montage scene while "Eye of the Tiger" played, the T built a huge machine that shot out telephone poles and ran cancer out of town. Hopefully Swayze can follow his lead.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A Raisin in the Sun
So I DVR'd A Raisin in the Sun and then watched it over the weekend. It was laughable. Now I'm a fan of the play, the original movie, the theme, the message, you name it. However this latest manifestation was horrible. I blame a few people, most of all Diddy. I know I can play young characters.
In Alien 5 I'm going to play a fetus.
Never, ever trust a man with a well manicured mustache.
Luckily for Diddy, Phylicia Rashad and Audra McDonald had stellar performances. They saved what was otherwise a 3 hour turd (why did they stretch out the story for three hours?). Even John Stamos delivered on his supporting role as the racist neighbor. The performances of Stamos, Rashad, and McDonald only highlighted the inadequacy of Diddy's lackluster performance. (Also note that Sanaa looked as old if not older than McDonald!!!! Bad casting. You could have easily called Stacey Dash, her calendar is wide open.)
Now I get that he wants to be an actor now, but he's not up to the level of actor to pull of a complex role like that. He however was executive producer of the movie, so he can cast who he likes. He unfortunately did not cast the best actor for the part, just his favorite one.
Secondly Sanaa Lathan was cast as Diddy's younger sister. Stop the presses Sanaa is fine as frog's hair, but she is pushing 40, and playing a girl who is 19 or 20. It did not work. Now my friend Jossette argued that Stacey Dash played a high school senior when she was 29. True. However Stacey looked the part. She looked young and sounded young. Sanaa did not. Her acting was supurb, her age was not. 
In Alien 5 I'm going to play a fetus.
Again Diddy's character of Walter Lee is about 25, but Diddy is 40! If a 25 year old dude gets taken in a confidence scam, that's bad, but if a 40 year old dude gets taken in the same scam that's laughable. He deserves it. Secondly the story is a coming of age tale, at 40 you should have come of age a long time ago. 
Luckily for Diddy, Phylicia Rashad and Audra McDonald had stellar performances. They saved what was otherwise a 3 hour turd (why did they stretch out the story for three hours?). Even John Stamos delivered on his supporting role as the racist neighbor. The performances of Stamos, Rashad, and McDonald only highlighted the inadequacy of Diddy's lackluster performance. (Also note that Sanaa looked as old if not older than McDonald!!!! Bad casting. You could have easily called Stacey Dash, her calendar is wide open.)
Monday, March 3, 2008
Heath Ledger remembered
So it's magazine time, the time of the month when more magazines come out. I look through one and see yet another tribute to Heath Ledger. What I don't see is a tribute to Brad Renfro. He died too. What about Roy Scheider? Nope nothing. Oh well it looks like Hollywood plays favorites.
Remember me? That's not a question,
as much as it is a request. I died too you know,
from drugs too, just like Heath! Apt Pupil!
To keep up with Hollywaood I will tell a story not about Brad or Roy, but Heath, this is a true story. A person I know, let's call him Todd, was at an event (dinner of sorts) seated at table with Heath. The event goes on for a few hours, they eat, they drink, they relax. Todd, who is spanish with a caramel complexion, gets up to use the rest room. He comes back and Heath says, "Oh can you bring some waters for the table and clear some of the dishes away. Thank you." Todd replies, "I don't work here." Heath, "Oh, sorry."
The irony is that Heath sat at a table with Todd for hours.
Hey brown guy, can you get me some more crackers?
as much as it is a request. I died too you know,
from drugs too, just like Heath! Apt Pupil!
To keep up with Hollywaood I will tell a story not about Brad or Roy, but Heath, this is a true story. A person I know, let's call him Todd, was at an event (dinner of sorts) seated at table with Heath. The event goes on for a few hours, they eat, they drink, they relax. Todd, who is spanish with a caramel complexion, gets up to use the rest room. He comes back and Heath says, "Oh can you bring some waters for the table and clear some of the dishes away. Thank you." Todd replies, "I don't work here." Heath, "Oh, sorry."
The irony is that Heath sat at a table with Todd for hours.
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